Happy 2011

With only a few hours left in this first decade of the new millennium I wish everyone only the best in 2011; may your new year be filled with good health, more wealth and lots of joy and happiness!

Although 2010 may not have been my best year, I will never forget this year.  I have learned SO much not only about myself but about those around me--I have realized how many people truly love me and I have discovered the kindness and warmth of complete strangers, I have learned some hard lessons about life and have had to accept many disappointments.  I would like to think that through it all I am becoming a stronger and better person, prepared to deal with whatever awaits me in 2011!

Happy New Year!!:)

Exhausted and numb

There must be a new trend with my sleep habits.  Right after treatment, all I can do is sleep and the moment I start to feel better I begin to have interrupted nights of sleep.  The last couple of nights, since I started feeling better, I've been waking up at least once or more in the middle of the night; it always seems to be around the same times as well, usually around 2 and then again at 4; the night before last after waking at 4, I couldn't fall back asleep.  I think I was lucky to have gotten about 4 hours of sleep last night, I wish I could have an evening of at least 6-7 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  These past 2-3 days of sleep deprivation are taking their toll on me, I'm so exhausted and feeling so tired has made me numb to a lot.  All I've done since I got home is sit on my couch not thinking about much or caring about anything.  The only thing going through my mind right now is whether or not I'll be able to sleep through the night without getting up to see the clock tell me it's 2 AM.  Hopefully I'm so exhausted I'll sleep like a log and actually have the alarm go off for the first time in 3 days.

Big sigh!

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try you cannot control your emotions and it never fails that those moments are the ones you will always regret.  And why is it so easy to lash out at your family; the ones that you are supposed to love the most and care about the most are always the ones to bear the brunt of all negative emotions?  I was obviously still very upset about things that came up over the weekend between my sisters and myself and I should have known better than to bring them up again knowing I was still emotional when one of my sisters called to check on me; I told myself I would be calm and try to explain things clearly so that there would be no misunderstanding but I'm sure after reading from the top of tonight's entry you can only imagine what transpired.  I should have just ended the initial telephone call with "work was fine, talk to you later;" but no, I had to bring up this past weekend--bad idea, like I said I knew deep down inside I was still emotionally charged and should have waited a couple of more days to think things through completely and have a clearer and more concise explanation of what was going through my head--um yeah, not so much.  I didn't think I had raised my voice or sounded upset, but according to a witness, I was yelling--really?  That was not my intention, I seriously was trying the best I could (at that moment) to be honest and open without coming off as being confrontational.  Well, we all know...the best laid plans of mice and men...

Happy Monday!

I am definitely feeling SO MUCH better compared to one week ago, even compared to just a couple of days ago.  Although I still feel like it's taking me a lot longer to get back to feeling like myself, the way I feel today beats what I felt like a week ago.

I'm already dreading the weekend because I will be on call.  I'm dreading it even more because I feel like I haven't had a single weekend to just enjoy while I'm close to 100%.  I'll get my next cycle of chemo next Friday and I think we all know what that weekend is going to be like--nothing to look forward to nor anything I'll enjoy.  It seems like it's taking longer to get over the fatigue, GI upset, etc and so I have a feeling I won't be enjoying the following weekend a whole lot either which just leads to yet another weekend of call followed by yet another cycle of chemo--YAY me!  Yes, yes...this too shall pass, it is only temporary...blah, blah, blah...and that's why you get to read about it on my blog because this is how I get to vent.

A few of my favorite things...

What a way to end this Christmas weekend--with a few of my favorite things!

I'm watching one of my most favorite movies while I write tonight's entry...The Sound of Music!!!
What better way to end this weekend?  I was so afraid I would not be up to enjoying Christmas but thanks to Sujin it was a fabulous weekend.  I was truly spoiled.  Sujin, Sam and Sugar Bear made sure I was waited on hand and foot, I didn't have to lift a finger for any of the hot meals or scrumptious desserts the last two days.  The original plan was to feast on an array of non-traditional foods for this Christmas, I had planned on making the only thing I can make fairly well--my Mexican casserole, unfortunately, I hadn't felt well enough to cook but Sujin came through in a big way.  She prepared not only the Mexican casserole but home made guacamole, lasagna, tilapia and fresh baked warm cookies and brownies!  Oh yes, how can I forget the yummy french toast and cheesy hash browns for breakfast--great job Sam!  There is no doubt in my mind that I've gained an extra 10 lbs just this weekend on top of the 15 lbs that I've gained since starting chemo.

We enjoyed two days of lounging in PJs watching movies and football.  We ventured out Christmas night to watch Gulliver's Travels.  The rest of the time, like I said was spent eating, drinking, eating more and watching lots of TV in our PJs!!  And of course we opened presents!!:)  I still can't decide which was my most favorite, all the Hello Kitty gifts, my Ugg slippers or the gallon of 11% alcohol Mad Elf Ale!:)  Thank you guys SO MUCH!!!

Yes, I will be going to bed tonight (still full from a weekend of pigging out) with a huge smile on my face! :D

Ho ho ho...

Merry Christmas!!!  All my love to all during this holiday season.  I know I could never get through this without all your prayers and well wishes!

I wish everyone a very happy and safe Christmas.

Remember...

I had a very important reminder today thanks to Nastaran!

I had been feeling so badly for almost a full week that I forgot what my goal is and should be...I am not undergoing chemotherapy and enduring all that comes with it including the bad days just to say I've been through it; I forgot about the big picture--I'm fighting to be cured and cancer free for the rest of my life!

I think I must be on the upswing because today was a little better than yesterday or at least that's the way I feel.  Although it took me an entire hour and several breaks during that hour, I actually got some dishes done.  To be able to have accomplished something other than just laying on the couch is a big deal.  I must be getting better, there's no way I could go any lower--I don't think.

Another reason I think I'm getting better is that I'm actually getting excited about Christmas again.  Tomorrow is the big day and I haven't felt very excited about the fact in a few days but this evening I'm actually smiling as I think of all joy and happiness tomorrow morning will bring especially to my little nieces and nephew in Alabama.  The thought of a possible white Christmas is even thrilling.  It is the most wonderful time of the year!!!

Another day...

of feeling less than stellar.  I had the energy to make it from my bed to the couch and that's all she wrote!  I am less sore all over but still don't have the energy to do much or want to do much.

My parents left for Alabama this morning, I had mixed emotions; glad to see that they would be spending Christmas with the grandkids but more importantly I get to be in my own space again.  I truly appreciated all they did while they were here but I'm sure many of you can imagine what's it's like to have to give up independence, privacy and autonomy.  I was able to actually JUST veg and do nothing else this morning once I dragged myself out of bed.  I got to lounge on my couch in peace and comfort--not that my parents wouldn't have let me do that but it's different when they are around.

I'm supposed to spend this weekend with Sujin but don't feel like bringing her and Sam down this Christmas.  I am quite happy just laying on my couch not thinking about or doing much and would hate to think that Sujin and Sam would have to entertain me or wait on me if I did spend the holidays at Su's.  I don't think being alone this Christmas would be particularly sad especially because all I want right now is to feel better and being at home regaining some strength and energy may be all I need.  I'm not in the mood to talk much or explain how it is I'm feeling exactly and what would make me feel better--to be honest I really don't know.

I don't want to complain...

I know the last three days or so have only been about me complaining about how bad I feel but I really wish I didn't have to.  I'm sick and tired of being a complainer...

I woke up sore all over, it hurt to stand in the shower as the water felt like it was pelting me; it hurts to have clothes on!  I mustered all the energy and determination I had to make it into work, I don't know how I made it through the day.  I felt like I was in an out of body experience, working and thinking in slow motion.  I was surprised I made it through a full clinic today, my notes probably suck and there is probably a lot that is lacking but what can I say, I was determined to do what work I could--whether it'll be more work for someone else in the end or not I guess I'll have to live with that.

I definitely lack the luster and what everyone describes as my "peppiness" but I hope everyone understands that this is the effect of the chemo and not because I'm in a bad mood--you don't need to walk on egg shells around me.  I wasn't able to give hugs today because it hurts too much to be touched right now not because I was being cold.  I don't even have the energy to scream with frustration, just sigh--BIG SIGH!!!  How much longer do I have to feel this way?  SIGH!!  When will I start feeling even just a little bit better, I'm not asking for too much; just don't want to feel as bad as I do now--is that asking for too much?!  SIGH!!

A new low.

I've definitely reached a new low.  Today was the first day I called out and didn't make it into work, and I'm not so sure how I'll feel tomorrow--it's very disappointing to me because I took so much pride in being able to work through my treatments; even if it wasn't for very long, I had always made it in.

I truly feel like s%@#!!  I am bloated and feel like a balloon; I don't know what's worse, the on going fatigue and exhaustion while feeling like my head is in a cloud or the constant horrible taste in my mouth that aggravates the irritation in my stomach because it limits what I want to eat and drink although I do it very often!  I get tired just getting up to get something to drink.  I'm exhausted trying to sit up and type this!

I'm feeling so down and defeated right now, just want to cry!!!!:'(  It doesn't mean I've given up, I'm just being honest about how I feel.  I know this is temporary and I'll get through it but I'm just telling you how I feel--like S%@#!!  I can't wait until I can say I'm on the upswing again.  I want to feel energetic and like myself again, able to appreciate cold water and a cup of coffee!

Uggg...it just sucks!

I can't even begin to describe how bad I feel right now, it's taking me a lot of energy and effort to get on and write today.  I seriously thought that two days ago I was feeling better than I had compared to right after my prior treatments but I spoke way too soon.  I feel more tired and nauseated than before.  The horrible taste in my mouth is the worse it's ever been, I can't bring myself to drink anything because it makes my nausea seem more intense with that horrible taste that continues to linger and won't go away no matter what I try to eat or chew.

I woke up teary eyed hating the way I felt but I was determined to make it into work and I did for a short 3.5 hours.  I saw two post op patients and called it quits.  I probably shouldn't have driven home but obviously wasn't thinking clearly--the only thing I could focus on was getting home and comfortable.

I'm glad my parents were here to let me just collapse and not worry about anything.  They have answered every beck and call without delay and I feel bad that I have to rely on them.  I really thought this time it was going to be easier for me, I thought my body was getting used to the effects of chemo but it must be true that some of the effects are definitely cumulative.

I don't want anybody's pity or sympathy, I just don't want to feel the way I do right now.  I truly wished people telling me "hope you feel better" or "feel better soon" really worked.  I don't mean to be crude or unappreciative of all those around me that worry and only wish me the best but sometimes it just helps not to say anything!

Half way point!

It's official, I'm half way through my chemotherapy treatments as of 5pm yesterday.  YAY!!!

My treatment yesterday was extra special, not only because I knew by the end of the day I would be half way through my treatments but I also had a good friend take time out of her day off to come keep me company as I sat through the 6 hour infusion.  Yulia, thank you again for your company and for ALL the special treats; the flowers are beautiful and have brightened up my apartment, the lunch was delicious and I still can't get over the variety of things you picked up but most of all my Christmas ornament--I love it, especially the long eyelashes on that reindeer!

I felt alright right after my treatment and came home feeling tired but was completely wiped out the rest of the evening not even having the energy to remove my makeup or brush my teeth.  I woke up after having slept at least 12 hours and felt better than I've felt after my previous treatments.  Maybe my body is getting used to what chemo can do to me or maybe it's the gross tasting ginseng concoction my parents have forced me to start drinking--thanks to the research by Eastern Medicine, I'm not even sure what the research showed and how it relates to helping cancer patients but I just don't have the energy to fight my parents' insistence!  I did make it clear that I was planning on OK'ing this with my Oncologist before I continued drinking the nasty potion.  All I know is that I have actually been able to sit and not fall asleep today and haven't had as much stomach irritation--I haven't even had to take a Zofran all day!

Even though I'm tolerating my treatments well, I've developed a few more side effects-- the first is Taxotere nails, my nails are turning black--it will likely get worse before it gets better and there may be a chance I can even loose them if things get bad but I'm hoping it won't get to that point.  I've developed some neuropathy as well but it's a bit strange as it only effects one or two toes--don't know what to make of that and neither does my Oncologist.  More worrisome is that I'm getting anemic and had a 4 point drop in my hematocrit acutely.  We'll be watching this but hope I remain asymptomatic and blood counts remain stable.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend, I know I will with my parents spoiling me!  Now back to vegging!

Ready for Round 7

Tomorrow at 11AM I will begin another course of a 6 hour infusion that starts out with aggressive IV hydration.  I'm ready and know what to expect, I will not work through my next infusion; I have chosen to allow my pre-medications to take full effect and sleep through my infusion instead of trying to work through it, like I did during my second course.  I will have some company during the first couple of hours which I am looking forward to, Yulia is off tomorrow and has offered to visit with me and even bring me lunch (lucky me!:)) while I get my IV fluids.

I plan to take full advantage of my last day of feeling energetic and more like myself than after a treatment. I will head out to Target to do some last minute X-mas shopping in a few minutes--their holiday hours keep them open until 12 midnight.  I expect it to be kinda quiet as we got about an inch of snow and it has gotten quite frigid.  I don't think there will be many people venturing out to finish their shopping on a night like tonight.  Hahaha, I hope I'm right about this or I may regret getting on the icy roads only to find empty shelves and fight long lines.  I'm happy to say that I'll have help from my parents who will drive me in their heavy duty 4 x 4; my dad is of course is an awesome driver with tons of experience driving in the snow--he is from Canada!

After tomorrow, I will have completed half of my chemo treatments!!!  Yay me! :)  It's kinda bitter sweet, although it's going faster than I expected, I'm scared to find 2011 right around the corner.  I had so looked forward to 2010 back in 2009; I really thought this past year was going to be MY year--it is the year of the tiger, but somehow, someway it didn't turn out the way I expected.  For 2011, I have no expectations; I'll take things as they come, I only hope that at the end of next year I'll be able to say that the year was way better than I expected!

Sleep PLEASE!!!

Last night was another night of waking just about every hour.  I've gotten up without the alarm ever going off the last 2-3 days because I'm already awake!:(  I need my beauty sleep before I can reveal my new hairy accessory.  I think I prefer my lighter addition, my parents seem to as well.  They arrived today and commented on how well the lighter wig complimented my complexion!  Now I have named my new wig Oliver but not many people seem to approve; OK I need some suggestions--please and thank you!!!

It's gotten way too cold here and there are rumors it may snow an inch tomorrow and Saturday, I guess I have no choice but to stay in and sleep all weekend; it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'll have had my third treatment but all to do with the weather--darn winter!

Waiting for Round 7

I admit I've been a bit moody all day and realized it's probably because I'm anticipating what will come with my next treatment; guess it's understandable; not looking forward to how it's going to make me feel.  I don't think the lack of sleep is helping with my mood either, I've tossed and turned waking in the wee hours of the night and not being able to fall back asleep until right before my alarm goes off.  Hmmm...let's see, what came first the chicken or the egg?  Am I moody and irritable about my next treatment which is disrupting my sleep or is my next treatment making me anxious and unable to sleep which is making me irritable and moody because I'm tired?  Am I making any sense right now?!?

My parents will arrive tomorrow to help me through my next treatment.  I can appreciate them wanting to take care of me but I don't think they realize how much it stresses me out, I feel like I have to worry about them being comfortable and having everything they need while they are here.  I know I won't have the energy to do much other than sleep most of the weekend and I won't even be able to do that comfortably knowing that they'll have questions about where things are or how things are done and when, etc.

The way I feel right this moment: I just want to disappear from this earth!
What I probably need right now: Sleep!  I think the lack of sleep is having a huge impact on not only my mood but my ability to think clearly.  Please pray that I get a restful night of sleep and we'll see what happens tomorrow.

The start of yet another week.

Yes, it's Monday again; the start of another work week.  It certainly did not feel like a typical Monday, whether it's because we were down on manpower or because I'm anticipating a lighter work schedule with the holidays approaching...I don't know what it was but it was a weird day, I can't even begin to explain.  Just glad it's over.  I spent most of the day in the OR, quite a change from what I've been used to the last few weeks.  It felt good to be out of the office and actually participating in more than just clinic or mundane office work, now that I've had a chance to spend some time out of the office I don't want to go back; but after Friday I'll have no choice as I will have had my third cycle of chemo and will be feeling too weak and fatigued to be working anywhere else.

Christine and Mary--I hope you made it back home safely!  Glad we got to spend time together, hope we get to stuff our faces with Korean food and then go to Karaoke again soon!:)

Singing the night away!

It's been too long since I've been Karaoke-ing!  

My call Sunday was not bad at all, my pager remained silent all day.  I even got to do some shopping for baked goods to take into the OR and nurses on the Oncology floor.  Earlier this evening I stopped by to have my newest hairy accessory trimmed and prepared for her big debut!  Yes the big unveiling will happen soon.  Following the quick beauty fix, I got to enjoy a bountiful Korean dinner with some of my most favorite peeps including my cousin Christine who is snowed in and couldn't get back to Boston this evening from DC.  Well, we ate so much of course we had to go sing to help with digestion!  The small Karaoke singing room was filled with 5 Koreans, 2 Caucasians and 1 Indian--what a combo, we sang quite an array of songs from '80s Korean pop songs to 50 Cents; and for the finale...wait for it...Barbie Song!

I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world--now going to bed!:)

Another Saturday of call

Murphy's law reigns again; I thought this weekend would be a quiet call weekend since we only have a whopping 2 patients in the hospital right now, but of course they have to be 2 very active (active with issues that is) patients.  Yes, so active I had to make a second trip into the hospital today after having left for the day following morning rounds.  My pager remained active most of the day thanks to this one patient.  I had hoped to take a nap and maybe even make it into DC to meet up with my cousin Christine who is there from Boston this weekend but nope, had to go back to the hospital!!!  Yay me and my weekend of call!

Well, I finished in time to run a couple of errands with the company of my friend Sandy who is also on call this weekend.  We made it up to Wegmans where I scored free cake boards (the thick pieces of cardboard that cakes lay on in the box) for boxes of goodies I plan to put together and take in for the OR staff and the nurses on the Oncology floor and of course the outpatient chemo nurses as Christmas greetings.  Then we decided to look for some warm PJs as it has gotten SO cold here now.  Enjoyed dinner at Jessie Wong's although the service was really bad.  Plan to enjoy a movie and some wine if we can stay awake but I have a feeling we'll most likely fall asleep as soon as we sit in front of the TV as we have both worked pretty hard on call.

Tis the season!

So it is that time of year that the office holiday parties are held--yay!  Isn't it enough that you spend all day at work and then you have to spend more time after hours "celebrating" Christmas cheer with a few you are indifferent to, others that you would rather spend time with alone and then still those who you could care less if you saw at all--yes, crude but honest!  I'm really not trying to be a Scrooge but this is my weekend of call and I could use the evening hours doing what I want to do.  Unfortunately, if I hadn't of shown up at the X-mas party it would have been bad since I was the one who had originally proposed that we have a party!

It was quite disturbing to find out that last year there was no Holiday party AT ALL.  Can you believe that?!  Well, I was determined that this year, Christmas would not go uncelebrated!!!  I planned and organized a pot luck lunch and dirty Santa; well, wouldn't you know that the big boss decided he would be generous and offer to host the holiday party at his place in the evening after work.  Well, since I was the one who had originally proposed the whole idea to begin with, even though I REALLY didn't want to go, I felt guilty about not going.  It took all the energy I had left in me to show up for about an hour and a half to mingle a bit with everyone and then see dirty Santa through--it ended up being a good turnout and I think people enjoyed dirty Santa.  I came away with Appleton's Jamaican Rum!!!

I am glad I ended up going but to be completely honest could have used the time to do what I really wanted to do tonight which was to enjoy some wine (probably a little more than I really needed) alone and sleep until late tomorrow morning only to have to wake up to round at 10AM.  Like I said, not trying to be a Scrooge, but bah humbug!!

Too old!

I am so exhausted, I'm no spring chicken anymore!  Have been having to get to work early this week and have woken up every day at around 5 am, it hasn't helped that I've had a few nights of tossing and turning or waking in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep.  Then yesterday (thanks to Sandy) I went to bed way past my bed time because I was rocking it with Usher all night!!  Like I said, I'm no longer a spring chicken--I need sleep!  I'm not sure how much sleep I'll make up this weekend as I am on call and decided to make plans to possibly go Karaoke Sunday night.  Well, I guess I can make up the lost sleep after my next treatment because I know for a couple of days all I'll want to do is sleep!!

OMG...Usher!

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Usher in concert

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Getting what I want!

So after feeling down about the limitations that were put on me at work, I decided that I was going to prove the doubters wrong.  I think I have learned what my limits are and am capable of telling if and when I am too fatigued or tired to do certain things like assist in surgery--I made this very clear at work--I first assisted in a 5 hour case my last weekend of call for goodness sakes!!!!  And you think I'm too weak or unfit to be in the OR?!  Really?!?  I think I'll be able to do more of what I want now, and after New Years I will not take every 3 week call--why should I be the only one doing that, I am dumb for agreeing to do it this month--I blame it on my chemo brain!!

Lucky me gets to go see Usher in concert tomorrow night at the 1st Mariner Arena.  I'm not sure whether to thank my friend Sandy or curse her for getting us tickets, I'll let you know Thursday.  This should be interesting, I'm curious to see who and what comes out to see Usher; I'm sure the two of us will stand out like sore thumbs, maybe because we're older or more likely because we'll be very tame--in all aspects!  Can't wait to see what I'll have to write about after tomorrow night!

Not fair!

It's nothing new but life can be unfair at times, especially when we don't get our way!  I'm finding myself sad and bitter about a lot of things that are happening at work that seem so unfair.  I know it is because there are people who think they are protecting me, like one of my surgeons who will not allow me to scrub into any cases in the OR--he sought my Medical Oncologist to talk to me about staying out of the OR!!  How about being stuck in the office day after day after day for weeks feeling isolated from the rest of the world at times.  And I don't know why I agreed to take call every 3 weeks because that's when I feel my best--why was I so stupid?!

I guess a lot of this has been bothering me for a while but it just never made me feel as depressed as today.  This morning was the first time I actually didn't want to go to work, I didn't even feel this way on the days I felt worse after treatment.  I wish there were things that could be different at work, it always sucks when you can't have your way.  I guess I should feel some comfort in knowing that this is temporary and this too shall pass but it still doesn't change the fact that it sucks.

Busy day

Woke up feeling better.  Good thing since I had quite a few errands to run before making it to the Nut Cracker which was a delight.  I made it back in time for the SEC Championship game, was hoping South Carolina would beat the Auburn Tigers but I sit here bitter that Auburn will fight for the National Championship against Oregon.

I'm beginning to feel a little overwhelmed with Christmas just around the corner.  I've made lists and checked them twice but still don't know when I'll get all my Christmas prep work done.  As far as we've come with the cyber world and internet shopping, believe it or not but there are still things that CANNOT be purchased online!!  Who would have thought?!  I surely did not, now I actually have to go to a mall--errr, I hate holiday traffic and crowds.  So if you don't receive anything for Christmas, it's on its way as soon as it's available online!:)

Ready for the weekend

Tossed and turned most of the night and fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning only to be startled awake by my alarm!:(  Is it winter already?  The temperatures have gotten SO cold it was painful getting out of bed from under my warm covers.  I still did pretty well at work and felt good considering my lack of beauty sleep.

Came home to a noise filled apartment thanks to my aging parents who always seem to have the volume to anything and everything up to the max.  Unfortunately I missed a visit from Yulia and her little girl who I had been wanting to meet--didn't hear my door bell because of all the noise and commotion of my parents filling me in about their day, or more like how difficult it was cleaning my place thanks to all of the junk I have laying around (most of it belongs to Vicky--darn jack-o-lanterns!!)

Have a full weekend planned with the Nut Cracker tomorrow but feeling like I may be coming down with a cold.  I really hope a good night's sleep will make me feel a lot better and refreshed, last thing I need is to regress especially when I thought I was getting over my last treatment so quickly.

On the upswing!

Another good day, I must be on the upswing!  YAY!!  I hope this continues, other than a bit of stomach irritation and things still not tasting right I am feeling so much better yet again today.

My parents arrived earlier this evening from Alabama on their way back home to Canada, they will stay the weekend and head North early Monday morning.  My small apartment seems even smaller with 2 additional adults inhabiting the quarters.  I am excited about the early Christmas gifts they have brought with them like my new vacuum and favorite bottle of red wine (not that I can truly enjoy that right now--but looking forward to when I can!).  I guess this weekend will be filled with quality parent time--lucky me!

I feel good...

Happy day!!!  Today was surprisingly a good day.  I tossed and turned overnight waking up at 1 am and then again at 3:30 am and finally at 5:30 I decided to just get up.  Even with a night of interrupted sleep I felt really good today, much better than the last two days.  The wet and windy weather didn't even faze me!

I lasted through a full day of clinic without much disruption from an upset stomach or fatigue, I did experience some hot flashes but for someone who is always complaining that it's cold it was worth experiencing.  I'm hoping the number of days of feeling really bad after chemo will dwindle with every treatment, I think after my first treatment I felt pretty beat up for close to 2 weeks but I'm hoping this past week will be the end of feeling blah!  Maybe next time I'll only feel bad for a few days--a girl can hope!

Waiting to feel normal again...

Another blah day!  I'm proud to say I made it into work although I woke up feeling like I couldn't possibly get up and get dressed.  I thought I did pretty well, saw as many patients as I could in morning clinic; although by 11:30 I was ready to fall out.  Was lucky that we had a lunch brought in by a drug rep and all I had to do was fix a plate--I literally inhaled my lunch and went back to work.  I lasted all afternoon and got home after a full day of work.  I just wish I felt even just 25% of my normal self.  I don't want to be a complainer but I really hate the way I feel right now.  With that said, I know I've said before that it could be worse so I really shouldn't complain!!!  AHHHH!!!!  Now that I've gotten that out...

I actually do feel better.  I don't know where or how but I got my second wind after I got home from work and finally unpacked from my trip to Alabama and then did some laundry!  This is huge considering how bad I felt just a couple of hours earlier.  I would be extremely happy feeling like I am now from now until my next treatment, although I am human and I tend to be selfish and always want more--so, yes that means I would want to feel better than this for some time before my next treatment.

People keep telling me I'll get used to my "new normal" but I keep wondering when that will happen because it sure hasn't happened yet!

IV Fluids to start off the week.

Back to work early this morning feeling wiped out but determined to stay.  I saw a couple of patients in morning clinic and then walked into my Medical Oncologist who asked me how I was feeling.  I was honest, I didn't feel too great but I felt like I could make it through the day.  Well, I guess I looked worse than I felt; he marched me right over to Outpatient Chemo and ordered me a liter of fluids and some IV Zofran.  I got the fluids over a few hours and slept most of the time, I did feel better afterwards but I still can't shake this run down feeling.  I hate not feeling like myself!:(

I know my parents and a lot of other people probably think I feel so poorly because I overdid it last Friday by going to the Iron Bowl, well, I disagree!  I had all of Saturday to recuperate and honestly, I think that this is the way I would have felt no matter what.

I feel so fat and heavy right now but can't stop from eating all the fatty comfort foods that make my stomach feel better.  With my taste buds acting up, I find the sugary, salty, fatty and carb loaded foods agreeing with me.  Oh, woe is me...the things that I have to worry about!  I guess I shouldn't complain, when else will I have an excuse to gain weight?!

Back home in Baltimore.

Touched down at BWI earlier than expected and drove home to my cold, empty apartment.  As strange as it may seem but there was something very soothing and welcoming about walking into my dark and cold apartment.  All I wanted to do was throw off my shoes and lay on my sofa for a while.

I sit here without having unpacked and with a pile of laundry to do but that's what tomorrow is for.  It's not just the fact that it was Thanksgiving but I truly do have a lot to be thankful for, I know I've said this many times in many of my posts and it will never change--I am the luckiest person on this earth and I hope that I will continue to be grateful and appreciative no matter what may lay ahead.

I left a clan of sick people in the South.  I hope my precious little Alex and Emily feel better.  Vicky--you don't have any more time to be sick; just hope Shi doen't catch it, it'll be worse than the two kids being sick!  Sophie, take care of yourself and make sure Sara doesn't get sick.

I'm so exhausted now, I think it's time to go to sleep and hope that I'll feel better and ready to work in the morning.  Good night all!

Happy Birthday!

Today is my one and only nephew, Alex's 7 th birthday! We celebrated with those dear to our hearts including the most wonderful babysitter you could ask for, Adelina, and her husband. We feasted on a variety of smoked meats that Vicky worked on with the help of her pink pig smoker Belle. The best part of course was the ice cream cake!

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Iron Bowl 2010, Tuscaloosa, AL

Roll Tide Roll!

Unfortunately we were unable to beat the undefeated Auburn Tigers but what a day to remember!

I woke up to cold, wet weather and was worried my day was going to come to an early end without a chance to make it through the entire game. I took my chances and decided I was going to go come hail or storm! I met Ashley in Riverchase and our caravan headed towards Tuscaloosa. The weather began to clear as we got started and I had a good feeling about how the day would play out.

My first stop before the game--Kristi's tailgate! The tent was set up with a huge TV and a fabulous southern tailgate spread, oh and of course all the beer and Yuccas you could drink! The propane heaters were doing their best to keep us warm but I was so excited my bare ankles didn't feel a single chill!

We headed to the stadium to make kick off but missed the 4 F16s flying overhead--I heard them but didn't see them. Wow, did Alabama have an awesome start; we were up 21 in the first quarter!!! Even up until the half, I was so confident we would win! I just don't know what happened after half time. It was like a completely different team was out on the field the second half. At the end of the game I was hurt and broken hearted that we lost by 1--yes ONE point! But I got over it pretty quickly as we continued to make our way back to continue what we started at the tent!

Vicky, Shi and myself then moved on to the RV park where The Adams had it going on! I counted at least 4 or 5 fried turkeys! We enjoyed their hospitality and the amazing food they had in the warmth of their comfy RV!:) It really doesn't get any better than this. Had so much fun taking silly pictures with Ash, I'll never be able to get that Auburn voodoo doll out of my mind!

After so much excitement, a lot of fun and a full and satisfied belly, it was time to head back to Huntsville. I slept the entire way and got back safely to a warm bed with so many sweet memories!

I don't know where or with whom I should begin my thank yous but I have a long list of people to thank...first of all my family for their love and concern, I know they would have preferred to have kept me sheltered from the cold and rain but they knew better than to discourage my decision to go to the football game. Of course, I owe a huge thank you to Ashley and The Adams who were so generous enough to hook me up with my awesome ticket and so much more! The Martins and Whitakers of course for all your planning and hard work to make sure I got around in VIP fashion and was well taken care of throughout and of course for your hospitality--y'all made Vicky and Shi feel so welcome! Special thanks to Fire Chief Martin for all your concern and thoughtfulness, I truly appreciate the effort you made to make my day so easy; and another special thanks to Chief Hallmann who chauffeured us to our tailgating site in style!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone has enjoyed their Thanksgiving as much as I!

It doesn't get any better than this--surrounded by loving family and new friends, filling your belly with loads of good food. I'm SO full I need to literally roll around.

The morning started out with home cooked hoe cakes, thick sliced bacon and scrambled eggs. We tried to keep lunch light with just some home made soup to prepare for the spread that was awaiting us in Birmingham. The drive from Huntsville was fairly smooth. Once we arrived at our aunt and uncle's in Birmingham, we were greeted by so many warm hugs and friendly faces. We walked into a table full of finger foods and awesome appetizers, not to mention the free flowing alcohol that never seemed to stop or disappear! Not that I got to enjoy any of it, my taste buds are playing tricks on me again. :( We moved onto turkey with all the dressings and Jim 'n' Nick's bar b q! We had to take an hour or two break before we could touch any of the 4 different pies, bread pudding and ice cream.

Now it's time for a long nap! Like I said it doesn't get any better than this! Actually...it does, this is to be followed by tailgating and the Iron Bowl tomorrow! :)

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2 down 4 to go!

Yay! Done with my second cycle of chemo and I'm actually feeling pretty good. I guess I am a lot stronger than I thought, everyone has commented on how great I look or how great I'm doing. I've even impressed my Medical oncologist.

I'm sitting in the airport waiting to board my flight to Huntsville and Sam has taken advantage of the fact that I just had chemo and got us bumped up to board with Zone 3 passengers instead of our designated Zone 8! I guess it's a good thing since I kinda feel nauseated, time for Zofran! Will be posting my next entry from Sweet Home Alabama! :)

Waiting for Round 6

Can't believe it's time for another cycle of chemotherapy already.   In some ways, it feels like it took so long to get to my next cycle; yet on the other hand, it seems too soon.  I'm dreading the way I'll feel and what the next treatment will bring.  I don't want to stop feeling so good, like I do now--able to do the things I was doing before all this started.  I'm just looking forward to getting it over with.  By tomorrow night, this time, I'll be in Alabama.  I'll get to enjoy 4 days of Sweet Home Alabama which includes a lot of southern comfort food and of course the Iron Bowl!!!

It's amazing how much warmth you loose from your head!  There's something to be said about wearing hats in the winter.  I usually let Shirley (aka Sasha Fierce, aka Shelly, aka Sandra D or just Gus) rest on her temporary stand when I get home and it was obvious the moment I took her off Sunday that my head felt so cold.  I can't stay too long without putting on a hat or turban in order to keep warm, it doesn't matter how many layers I put on, it's all about covering my bare head.

I wonder how long it'll take for me to get used to my new look or if I ever will.  I feel like I'm looking at a stranger when I see myself in the mirror.  It's funny but a few people at the hospital had a hard time recognizing me at first; or maybe it's a good thing.  I know with time, even this will pass; just wonder how funny it will be in a few years to look back at my pictures now and try to remember how and what it is that I am feeling now.

She's a hit!

Call her what you may--Shirley, Sasha Fierce, Shelly, Sandra D, Gus--but she's definitely a hit!  I had so many complements, although thinking about it now I'm not sure if they were sincere or if people were just trying to be nice.  I still feel very awkward and am not so sure I really like the way I look.  I know over time I will get used to it and I'm sure I'll become accustomed to how the wig makes me look but for now I'm still not so crazy about it.

I must say that I was pleasantly surprised by how I look with my head shaved.  I think I look pretty good bald, if I do say so myself.  I have a fairly nicely shaped head; no major bumps or dents!  I think I can carry the Mister Clean look and pretty well at that!

I'm getting very excited about being back in Alabama with my family for Thanksgiving.  I will be so happy to see everyone.  I am super excited about the Iron Bowl and of course tailgating.  The fact that I may be too tired is still in the back of my mind but I'm hoping the adrenaline will kick in and I'll be fine.

I must admit, I am a tad bit anxious about my next cycle of chemo just because I have been feeling so good lately and don't want to be feeling so down again.  Trying to stay positive though, at least I got to enjoy 10 great days and I will have more to come, I'll just have to get through another little bump in the road.  Good thing is I'll be surrounded by my loving family who I know will spoil me along with a few very good friends who I know will do everything in their power to keep me comfortable and safe.

Love my gals!

Thank you so much to my surrogate big sisters, Tery & Lisa. They have treated me like their baby sis from the beginning and continue to take such great care of me. Love you guys!

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After!

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Before...

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Murphy's Law!

Of course it had to happen my call weekend!  An admission overnight and then an emergency case in the OR today.

The pages started after 9 last night, it wasn't bad but one of the pages was about a patient I knew I would have to admit; lucky for me our fellow was moonlighting and was taking call in the hospital.  Now, our fellow has been very good to me from the start but since my diagnosis, he has been extremely willing to help me out; he had even offered to take Friday night call for me.  I insisted I take the entire weekend of call but did tell him I would call if anything came up that required physical evaluation.  So, thankfully our fellow took my call after I received the page and admitted the patient for me so I didn't have to drag my balding self to the hospital late last night for an admission.

I went into round this morning thinking it wouldn't be too bad, I'd be done in 2 hours tops.  Well, wouldn't you know it; a consult from yesterday decided to go south and we had to operate.  My surgeon said he would call in the fellow but I knew our fellow was coming off call and had to admit our patient last night.  I  truly thought it would be a simple case and I of course insisted I be the one to assist.  Assuming it would be a simple case was my mistake, 5 hours later I was leaving the OR!  I'm very happy to say I lasted the entire case!:)  Not only that but I'm feeling good and going strong even after getting to the hospital at 8AM to round and operating for 5 hours.

I hope this evening is quiet and I really hope tomorrow will be an uneventful day as you all know I have very important plans in the evening!  I have lost more than half my hair now and had to wear a hat to work as there is more bare scalp showing than actual hair on my head.  So many people made comments about how cute I looked and how fashionable my hat was, little did they know why I had it on-hehehe!!:D  I just thanked them and kept working.  Well, after tomorrow night I no longer have to worry about picking up hair from EVERYWHERE!  That's what I am MOST looking forward to!

YAY--weekend!

Finally...Friday!  Sigh of relief.

As happy as I am to be feeling so good, I am quite relieved it's the weekend.  Although I'm on call, I don't think there will be any major catastrophes; they were all diverted before leaving work.

I've lost about half my hair now but haven't had to wear any hats or scarves yet.  I've stopped drying my hair though I don't really think it makes much difference in how much is falling out.  It won't make a difference after Sunday!  So, I did receive another suggestion for my hairy BFF--what do you all think of Sally?  I just realized all the suggestions I've gotten so far all start with the letter "S."

I have 5 more days before my next treatment and I plan to take advantage of how great I feel and having my taste buds back to normal.  I will enjoy all the coffee and diet coke I can possibly guzzle, I will not waste time napping during the day and weekend and I will not say NO to any invitations to just about anything and everything!  Hope you have just as wonderful a weekend as I plan to have!:)

Looking forward to Sunday.

OK, now it's just getting ridiculous the amount of hair I'm having to pick up off my pillow, off my clothes and off the floor--there was so much on my pillow that I wasn't able to pick it all up with my two hands, I could have used a hand vac if I had one!  I have considered pushing up the shaving of my head but then again there's a part of me that wants to avoid it for as long as I can.  My scalp is actually feeling very sensitive, especially in the back.  I have a feeling that I may have to wear one of my very cute hats that Vicky bought me in New York to work tomorrow.

Although it's still shocking to me to see all my hair falling out, I'm definitely not as emotional or sad today. I'm over it, it's just a huge inconvenience to clean up!

Alright, where are all the suggestions?!  Sunday is coming up and I certainly don't want to refer to my new look as just "the wig!"  So here's what I've gotten so far: Shirley, Sabina Fierce and Sandra D.  Come on y'all!

Hair, hair and more hair!

So, I guess I'll be losing more and more hair every day.  The amount I collected in the shower and off the floor after drying my hair was unbelievable to me this morning.  I don't think I'll make it to the end of the week without having to hide my bare scalp.  I have quite a bald spot on the very top of my head right now!

I really thought I was prepared to lose my hair but looking at my hair in my hands and seeing a huge area of bare scalp were very hard to swallow today.  I actually found myself shedding a tear this afternoon because I was sincerely sad.  I know this is a temporary loss and I will have my own hair back soon but the reality of the whole situation became clear to me again.

I had myself a tiny pity-fest and shared a half bottle of wine with Megan and thought I would feel better. The wine has just made me more emotional.  I know this is not the end of the world but there are still moments, although very few and short lived, that I wonder why.  I know it's useless to ask why and especially now but I hope you'll let me have my moment--no need to console me because like I said before this will be short lived.

Hair--it's so over rated!

It's official, I am losing my hair. The ponytail I held in the shower this morning confirmed what I knew was starting yesterday. I spent 5 minutes picking up what could have been a toupeé off the floor this morning once I got through blow drying my hair. Good news is my wig is in!

I still feel like I'll be able to get through the end of the week without having to wear the wig. I'm open to suggestions for names for my new hairy accessory, I think it would help me build a special bond with what I think will become my new BFF. I'm not sure if I'll lose the same amount or more tomorrow but I hope it won't be too noticeable.

I have made arrangements to have the rest of my hair shaved Sunday. It will be a celebration for anyone & everyone who is able to come by and cheer me on. I have made some extra special friends in Baltimore and two of them have turned out to be my surrogate big sisters. Lisa and Tery have been so good to me and they continue to do so. They have searched long & hard to find me the perfect wig and you will see just how perfect come Sunday!  Consider this your official invitation: Be at Kobi Salon in Mt. Washington, 6322 Falls Road, Baltimore at 5pm.

Exciting Monday!

So, how many Mondays can you remember as being EXCITING?!  I remember many a Mondays that I've dreaded and was eager to get through.  Today was very different.  I woke up in such a great mood because I still feel so good.  I am so excited to think that I may be lucky enough to have another 8 days of feeling like myself before my next treatment.  It's funny how you start to appreciate your health and are grateful for not feeling poorly when you get sick.  I wanted to and was able to give 100% at work and actually enjoyed being at work for a change.  One of the highlights of today was the warm and welcome hugs I got from all my peeps in the OR and on 7, today was the first day I have been able to visit since my treatment started.  I even got back home after work not feeling wiped out and haven't had to nap!

Now for the ultimate highlight of the day...I'll have to back up a bit because it is kind of a new development.  I was originally scheduled to take call over the Thanksgiving Day Holiday, however, after talking to one of my colleagues, he actually wanted to switch call weekends with me.  It ends up I'll be on call this coming weekend and will be off for Thanksgiving.  Given the new development, I thought it only seemed right to fly to Alabama to be with my family for the holidays.  Well I had a chance to talk to my friend Ashley, who lives in Louisiana and is an Alabama alum and of course a huge Crimson Tide fan, and mentioned this new revelation.  Well, today she texted to let me know that she has procured an extra ticket to the Iron Bowl just for me!!!  I don't even know what to say!  I am SO excited, I just hope I'll be able to go; it will be 2 days after my second cycle of chemo.  I really hope I'll be able to tailgate and attend the game.

All this excitement made me forget about what happened this morning--while washing my hair, I noticed there was A LOT more hair than usual that was falling out.  I had a huge clump of hair once I was through.  I think this may be the start of well I think you know.  It may seem weird but I'm kinda curious to see what I'll look like bald.  I guess I'll find out soon!

Close to normal

You know I'm feeling better when all I want to do is go Karaoke!

I realized today that I have felt the closest to normal today than any other day since I was diagnosed.  I am not as tired and I've had no nausea and have not had to eat every 2-3 hours, it's funny to say but I'm even used to the numbness in my side and arm, making it feel "normal."  My spirits are very good and I have wanted to do things.  I had brunch with Sandy before she left to visit her sister and new niece.  I came home and cleaned, got ready to spend the next few days cat sitting for Sandy while she's out of town.  I'm excited about going out to dinner with Sujin and Nastaran.

The best thing about feeling "normal" is that things are tasting better too.  After my first treatment, I noticed that I had a constant funny taste in my mouth; everything I ate and drank just didn't taste the way I remembered.  I haven't wanted to drink coffee or diet cokes because they didn't taste the same.  Today I actually wanted coffee and when I had it, it tasted like coffee!!!  Even my diet coke tasted right! :D

Ah, the simple pleasures of life!  I am so grateful for the last couple of days which when compared to a couple of weeks ago have been really good.  I am excited about this week because I have a feeling this feeling of "normal" will last until my next treatment next Wednesday.  I am planning to take advantage of these next great days!   Who's free to go Karaoke?! ;)

Happy Day!

Woke up congested and coughing but overall, today has been a happy day.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous and although I hadn't planned on going anywhere, I thought it would be too much of a waste not to.  My good friend Sandy picked me up and we ventured to Wegman's where I picked up a few essentials including some chocolate and other snacks.  Of course we had to stop at Chick fil A for lunch--leave it to Sandy to scoff my choice of the kid's nugget meal and yes I traded in my prize for a kiddy cone!:)  We made a stop at the closest PetCo for Max and Jack's needs.  Then I came home, feeling a bit tired but glad I got to enjoy the sun and cool breeze.  Plan to take a nap then of course I'll have to watch Mississippi State at Alabama--ROLL TIDE!

TGIF!!

I woke up feeling so much better, I guess the 10+ hours of sleep helped.

I didn't get into work on time but at least I made it in.  Over the course of the day I started to feel so much better and I sound better too, not as congested.  My body continues to play tricks on me and it's hard to gauge how I'll feel one moment to the next.  Even though I am frustrated that I have little control over my body, I am so grateful that I am better and AM so much better than what I could be!

I'm looking forward to this weekend, the temperatures are forecasted to be mild.  I have not committed to any plans but instead have decided to stay in and just relax all weekend, I want to make sure that I don't put myself in harms way.  I'm still learning what to expect and I think I should be safe and take it easy especially knowing that my counts will remain low for a while.  I'm looking forward to some college football on Saturday and maybe some company Sunday night to help clear out some stuff from my fridge and freezer!--sorry Vicky but there is absolutely no way I can eat all this food alone!!!!  Hopefully I will continue to feel this well through this weekend!

Banished!

A blessing in disguise...I was banished from work today as one of my surgeons thought that it was too high risk for me to be there with my current white count.  I felt like I was being punished but once I got over the initial disappointment, it only makes sense to be careful.

Good thing though, because as the day has worn on I am feeling worse and worse.  I am having achy pains all over and a bad headache, kinda feel like I have the flu.  I don't have a temperature, which is a good thing but I fell blah!  My tongue is sore with little painful bumps and I'm worried that things may get worse.  It's so frustrating to feel like this when all I want is to be able to be well enough to continue living somewhat of a normal, routine life.

I truly hope I'll feel well enough to get up in the morning.

Caution...

Well, who would have thunk?  I have a white blood cell count of 1.2K!!!  (for those not in the medical field, normal counts run from ~4.5-10K so this means I am at increased risk of infections)  Good thing is that at least I am not currently neutropenic.  I am trying to be very careful.  I have washed my hands raw and am trying to stay away from sick people--ironic that I work at a hospital!

Good news is that I was told that the extent of my side effects, more particularly nausea, bone aches, mucositis and neuropathy, have been reached; the more chemo I get does not necessarily mean that these will get worse.  If I haven't had a major problem then I shouldn't!!!  YAY!!!  The only catch is that I will definitely be feeling more and more tired and fatigued as the number of cycles increase and hopefully my Neulasta shots will work and I won't have to worry about silly things like white blood cell counts and becoming neutropenic.  But, like a wise friend always reminds me...there are no guarantees in life; so I guess only time will tell.

As my colleagues at work were shocked to see my blood work results, they urged me to go home early and so I did.  I came home, napped and ate.  I was feeling so good early in the evening I ventured out to celebrate the hard work of my good friend Sandy who just took both her Hematology and Oncology board exams--strong work Doctor!!!:)  Now I am ready to sleep--shocking!

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully all the food and sleep I have consumed in the last 24 hours will help stimulate more of those white blood cells to develop and protect me from any harm.

Wishful thinking!

Another good day--I thought!  My body is playing some mean tricks on me.

I woke up tired and needed an extra 15 minutes or so to get ready, I blame the fact that another one of the side effects of chemo is kicking in--I've now got the runs (sorry, I know TMI).  I was woken at 2AM feeling nauseated and running towards the bathroom to find out that yet another side effect was awaiting!:(  But I got to work feeling OK.  Throughout the morning I started to get my second wind, I was on a roll!!!  After lunch I was feeling so good I decided to venture down into the operating room....not such a good idea; 30 minutes into having scrubbed and I was having to scrub out!:(  I was so angry at myself and frustrated, why can't my body just co-operate with my mind?  Is that too much to ask?  I have (as have the rest of my group) banned myself from the OR until I have gotten over chemo and radiation!

Glamorous Me

I don't think I've been this sad or disappointed like I am today since I started this blog--and all because of a comment someone made, which was likely out of frustration and without any thought at all but it was still very disturbing to me.  In the midst of a rant and rave of how life sucks for a certain someone, they made the comment: "I would rather be you right now."  How horrible could this person's life be at this time to wish they could have breast cancer?!  I didn't know whether to feel pity or anger, I was speechless.  Yes, we've all heard the grass is always greener on the other side--but really!?!  Does my grass seem that much greener right now?  I would really like to know what it is in this person's life that makes scars, an ugly port, trunkal numbness and lymphedema, nausea, cystitis and fatigue so glamorous!

I'm learning so many things through my journey.  I've already learned that I have many physical limitations.  I know that I've only been through one treatment, yet my body is feeling the full effects and to think that this may only get worse and not better.  I know that I must take it day by day and try not to over do things. I only hope that my body will allow me to get up every morning and make it into work each day if only for a couple of hours; more importantly, I hope my body will co-operate enough to allow me to take care of myself without concerning others.  Other things I'm learning--I need to eat every few hours to keep from getting really sick and run down, I have to take breaks between big tasks even getting ready in the morning, I need to stay well hydrated.

The most important lesson of all--NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ANYONE, it only leads to disappointment.  I think the reason I was so saddened and disappointed by the comment above was because I EXPECTED a lot more from that person.  I should have never thought that I would receive mutual respect, consideration and understanding.  To be completely honest, I don't even know if this person realizes what they said or have done; either way, I truly hope that life gets better for this person.  I hope they are able to find the peace they need to move forward in life and please grant them some wisdom and grace.  As for me, I know I'll get over it--hey, it's a huge complement--who else could make someone want breast cancer?!  YAY ME!!:)

Sigh of relief...:D

Today seems to be a good day so far.  I woke up feeling a little bit of nausea but it didn't bother me enough not to eat breakfast.  I think I may have developed hemorrhagic cystitis as a side effect of one of the chemotherapy drugs--having some discomfort but hoping that plenty of hydration and some diuretic effects of AM coffee will help.

I actually feel more energetic this morning than I have since starting my treatment, makes me very happy.  I actually feel good enough that I may try to clean and do some laundry later!  Vicky will leave tonight but I will have plenty of food to last me through my treatment and probably even after I'm done with radiation in a few months!

Ahhh...can you see the big smile on my face?!

I AM Alive!!

Sorry to all for not having posted anything the last couple of days and making you worry--I am alive!!:)

The only real side effects I'm feeling right now are exhaustion and some nausea or stomach irritation.  The day after my first treatment I went back to work thinking I could continue full speed ahead--NOT.  I nearly passed out in the operating room after 2 hours and I had to tuck my tail and retreat back to my office to regain my strength and energy; thought I was feeling better and then headed down for another case, only to last about 1 hour!:(  I quickly learned that I will definitely have limits, and this is only after the first treatment.

Once I'm home from work, I feel so wiped out all I want to do is lay down and sleep.  Thank goodness for Vicky, at least she makes sure I have something in my stomach before I pass out.  She has filled my fridge and freezer to the max!  Thanks to her, I am warding off neuropathy with my twice daily glucosamine drinks--YUK!  I am tanked with multivitamins and supplements that she keeps pushing.  She has been heaven sent, especially since I hate being in the kitchen!

My apologies to Sujin and Sam for being such horrible dinner company last night, I was too tired to socialize.  After filling my belly with the yummy Thai food they brought over, I fell out on the sofa and slept the rest of the night away!

I promise I am doing well, just catching up on some sleep if I don't answer my phone or text and I will reply soon to all!

1 down 5 to go!!!

Yay me!!!  Completed first cycle of chemo today and tolerated it well.  Feeling a bit tired and fatigued but plan to go to bed early.  So far so good, although most of the side effects are delayed; I'll just have to wait to see what happens.

My experience was unimaginable.  I was spoiled the entire day, I was literally treated like the Queen.  My nurse Joanne was awesome, she hooked me up with a giant bag of goodies including the softest and warmest socks to keep my feet warm, a travel neck pillow and turbans to keep my head warm when I loose my hair.  I could get used to this kind of treatment!:)

All the while, so many of you have continued to pray for me and wish me only the best and continue to remind me how lucky I am.  Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart!!!

Round 5

Round 5 is to start tomorrow, I will be receiving my first cycle of chemotherapy at 11AM.

Several people have asked me how I feel--I'm not sure!  I think ignorance is bliss; I don't really feel anything because I don't know what to expect.  I will definitely find out tomorrow!

I went back to work full time on Monday and it was quite a busy day as was today.  I hope to be able to continue working through my treatment as I am very hopeful that I will have minimal side effects!:)  The last couple of days have been a little hard though, I'm fighting a head cold and have developed early lymphedema and possibly a seroma.  Lucky for me I am privy to special services!;)  I hadn't posted anything yesterday because to be honest, once I got home I was too exhausted.  Feeling just as exhausted now and plan to keep this short.

Please know that I am so grateful to all for your continued support, well wishes and love!

A Wicked Weekend! :)

This weekend was one of the most memorable of all my 36 years thanks to both my sisters.  This weekend was very special  for two reasons, the first because as many of you know Halloween is my b-day and the second because this weekend felt like my last chance for a long while to do something fun and enjoy it as I will be starting chemotherapy on Wednesday.

My sisters took me to New York City on Saturday with tickets to Wicked.  We took the train into NYC Saturday morning and walked through the fashion district, as hard as it was there was nothing bought (at that time).  We ended up at the famous Carnegie Deli for lunch where we feasted on the matzo ball soup and the world famous "Woody Allen" sandwich, for those of you who have never been--everything is amazing but the portions are HUGE, what we had could literally feed a small starving nation!  We were so full we didn't have any room to try their enormous slice of cheese cake which looked so good!:(

With our appetites satisfied and very full tummies, we headed to the Gershwin Theater where I was blown away by Wicked, and the cherry on top--the autographed poster which Vicky bought me!!  (It was the 7th anniversary of the musical this past weekend and to celebrate they were selling special posters autographed by the cast.)

Wishing I could be Elphaba or Glinda, we headed out to try to catch a cab to head toward Babbo for dinner--yeah right, it felt like nearly an hour before we could grab an over priced "luxury" cab and by the time we got to Babbo, we were s*@% out of luck--could have used Elphaba's powers!  So we headed to Chelsea Market and dined on the fabulous fare there!  Then back to the fashion district where we continued with some retail therapy.

Exhausted but feeling like I could defy gravity, we made it back to Penn Station to catch our train back to B'more!!  What a weekend, I love NY!  Thank you Sophie and Vicky for a weekend I will NEVER forget!

Jaw dropping turn out!!

Speechless--is how I felt last night.  It was amazing...like I said speechless.

The outpouring of support and generosity from my family, friends and colleagues at Mercy is truly unbelievable.  The evening was such a success because of SO many people who care and I am blessed to say the least.  I can honestly say I am the luckiest person on this earth!

I owe so many thanks to too many people and I would hate to leave any names out but you know who you are from everyone who had a hand in helping Megan and Sujin make the benefit come to fruition to my family and friends who came from far and near to all those who came to wish me the best and of course all of those who were unable to come but have continued to send their love and support.

I promise (although I cannot say exactly when) to post pictures as soon as possible!

My Benefit at The Red Star

I was truly touched and am grateful beyond words to all who were able to make my benefit last night. A special thank you to all who were so generous with their contributions and gifts.

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Feeling the love from MA

Christine, you brought tears to my eyes with your thoughtful care package. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you!

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Two thumbs up for narcotic pain medication!! :)

Woke up very sore and not able to really move properly, I thought I had a higher pain tolerance--guess I am a big baby!:(  Thank goodness for the wide variety of different narcotics available and most importantly having great friends who can get you those medications!:)  I owe my sanity to Sandy who took time out of her busy day to bring me a prescription for stronger pain medication--it worked so well I got to sleep the afternoon away and am feeling much better; I actually look normal getting around now.

I broke my promise that I made over a week ago about posting information about the upcoming event organized by my good friends and family to help raise funds to help me out during this time and for that I am truly sorry but I feel that most of you following have already RSVP'd and/or know about the event but just as a (late) reminder:

Tomorrow evening from 5 - 8pm, we will be getting together at The Red Star in Fells Point for free appetizers and a cash bar; there will be a costume contest, silent auction and 50/50 raffle.  I am very excited and truly touched by all who have had a hand in organizing and putting the event together, including those who have donated items to be auctioned.

Words alone cannot express my gratitude, appreciation and love to all who are constantly thinking about me, praying for me and showing their support in their kind gestures and warm words.  I am truly indebted!

TLC

Bruised and sore after Round 4; thank goodness for Max and Jack who are giving me plenty of feline TLC courtesy of Sandy.

Got through yet another procedure wondering when this will all be behind me. I know I'm showing weakness with more than half the fight left to go, maybe it's just the soreness making me so frustrated. Didn't expect there to be a lot of discomfort but I was wrong!

I know every one is behind me and wishing only the best, knowing that gives me the strength to keep my chin up and a smile on my face while I get through this fight! :D

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Round 4

The bell to start Round 4 is set to ring at 8 tomorrow morning.

The dark, gloomy clouds outside are perfect for how I feel right now.  It's one round after another, no break to feel "normal" for even a split second.  I'm not having a lot of pain but I definitely don't feel anywhere close to normal; half of my body does not feel like me...and to think I'll have a foreign body in me by tomorrow afternoon! :{

Blooming weekend!

Thank you Sam!

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Blooming weekend!

This weekend has been one full of many blooms...such as the pretty lilies from Sam; there is the ever flourishing number of prepared meals filling my refrigerator and freezer thanks to my sister Vicky and my wonderful friend Mark. Last but not least, the most impressive growth is my expanding waist & derriere!

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Low blow...out of nowhere!

Woke up congested and hoarse, feeling blah!:(  Felt sick to my stomach and lightheaded most of the day; don't know where this all came from!!??!!

Got to lay around all day and have Vicky wait on me; now I'm feeling much better although still feeling a little blah.

Tomorrow is a new day so we'll see what happens, may need another dose of the healing trio--hehehe! :D

Cup of sunshine

Thank you Yousun for the beautiful cup of sunshine!

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Quick and Easy

Back in my corner with hardly a scratch!  I dominated Round 3.

Surgery went very well.  I'm loaded on Lortab and feeling no pain.  Back home early and resting comfortably with Vicky at my beck and call.

Thanks again to all for the well wishes! :)

Count down to Round 3

Again I find myself waiting for the bell to ding for the start of a new round.  8+ hours and counting down to surgery...I'm now NPO!!!:(  Glad I had that last glass of wine about 2 hours ago.

Vicky is here with bells on to wait on me hand and foot after my re-excision tomorrow.  Lucky for me she can cook!

Thank you to all who have called and texted to wish me the best tomorrow.  I know I'll get through this with a breeze because of all of you!!

Rounds 4 and 5 coming up quick

Even before the start of Round 3, I am having to prepare for Rounds 4 and 5.

I wanted to sit in my corner and prepare for the next round following my re-excision this Thursday but it seems that I won't have much time to regroup.  I am scheduled to have a port-a-cath placed next Tuesday and will then start my first cycle of chemotherapy the following Wednesday.  

I'm nervous to say the least, I wasn't expecting to start my treatments so soon.  I know I'm more anxious about the unknown; specifically, what side effects, if any I will have to the chemotherapy.  I've accepted the fact that I will lose all my hair but there is a part of me that is scared to think of all the possibilities and the worst case scenario.  

As one of my surgeons put it: "it's like prison; the sooner you start your time, the sooner you get out."  So here's to getting out sooner than later!

Warmest welcome back

So I decided that I was feeling well enough to go back to work today--light duty of course and what a warm welcome back!  I know I was truly missed and it actually felt somewhat comforting to be back at work--all because of my great colleagues at Mercy!:)

I spent a relatively easy day in the office and spent some time catching up with my peeps in the OR, 7th floor and of course the office staff.  Looking forward to the next two days of clinic and then...Round 3 begins Thursday!

Only a sister's love...

Only an older sister like Sophia could put up with the ranting and raving of a spoiled younger sister, like me, who is used to getting everything my way.  I just got back from the airport after dropping her off and am sad to see her go and could never express how much it meant to have her here for the last two weeks.

Sophie--I am sorry for being so frustrating, annoying and downright mean at times.  I know you were only here to help and you don't know how much that means to me.  I can't wait to see you come back on the 28th (only because I'll have more cleaning for you to do!  Just kidding!;))  I look forward to our Saturday in New York City.

Vicky will be arriving Wednesday evening to fill very big shoes, please keep her in your prayers!

Flower power!

Thank you so much Yulia and Sujin for the beautiful blooms of joy!

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Just what the doctor ordered!

I must admit, I have never been a very compliant patient.  I have self diagnosed, self treated and self-medicated (like many of my family members and colleagues in the medical profession) without any kind of formal consult or follow up--unless calling Vicky, my internist sister counts?!

The past two weeks have been different; following surgery I took my pain medication as prescribed, I followed instructions when it came to my drain care and documenting output, I began my Phase I exercises as recommended and have continued as instructed.  I have followed my post op instructions to the T, or at least very close to it!

However, over the past couple of days I have felt that my progress has kinda plateaued and so I decided that it was time to try something different.  I have prescribed myself the healing trio--healthy doses of retail therapy, chillaxing and ETOH.  Of course, all of these alternative therapies are benefiting others--today is Macy's Shop for a Cause and as such I will be donating to benefit my local nonprofit group for breast cancer.  Chillaxing is another important therapy, this includes sitting on my ever expanding butt and watching lots of college football--Roll Tide Roll!!!  Must support my team (oh, alright Go Beavers!  Just for you Su & Sam :))  Last but not least, ETOH and this may be the most important of the three because my extensive research (talking to Megan) has proven that increased tolerance is directly related to how well you tolerate chemotherapy!!  Now, as far as I know from my experiences as a nationally certified PA, these alternative therapies have been a cure all for anything and everything that ails you for many years and possibly even centuries!  So for those who are in need of some attention, whether it be medical or not, I suggest you try the healing trio--so far so good!!:D

Touched by many angels

I am reminded every day and by many different words and actions how blessed I am to be surrounded by so many people who truly care and love me!  I cannot and do not even know where to begin, or how to thank the many angels who have touched me and reminded me that I am not alone through any part of this battle.

I know that many of you reading this blog may already know of the fundraising event that is planned in my honor on Thursday, October 28.  I will be posting the details soon and hope that you will be able to join the festivities.

Round 3...scheduled

The bell will ding to start Round 3 sooner than I thought.

I thought my next trip into the ring would be the start of chemotherapy, little did I expect to have to put on my gloves again to face the OR.  But, as I said before, it could be worse and I plan to take this as another step to defeating The Big C!

I am scheduled for re-excision on Thursday, October 21.

Some Very Good News and some not so good news...

So, what would you like first?  The good news or the bad, or what I prefer to think is not really "bad" news but "not so good news."  I received a call from my breast surgeon, Dr. Friedman, who informed me (ready for the good news?:)) that only 1 of the 16 lymph nodes was positive!!  YAY!!!  This is VERY GOOD news as it makes my prognosis excellent and my chance of recurrence is much less as opposed to having more positive lymph nodes.  Now, for the not so good news--although the breast mass was removed completely and all the margins were negative, there was one margin that was not optimal in that it was about 1mm or so.  Dr. Friedman continued to explain that the debate on the width of negative margins is still very controversial and there is nothing set in stone nor is there any literature stating better outcomes either way; however, given my particular circumstance and young age, a re-excision is recommended.

I will be scheduled for another surgery and will keep you posted as to when.  Like I said, this is not bad news; in fact I am very grateful, it could have been much worse.  I obviously enjoyed (per Megan and Sandy) the heavy sedation before and look forward to more laughs and giggles following more Versed and Propofol!

I'm free...

I was given the green light by my surgeon to remove that ball and chain that has been hanging from my right underarm for the past week--as of about one hour ago, I no longer have the drain!!!  What a relief, I am so ecstatic--I don't know the last time I felt this giddy!  I can truly say that I am able to appreciate the simple things in life like not having a drain in my axilla!:)

Eating my way to a speedy recovery...

Thanks to Stacey, Karen, Jen, Dawn & Kristen! Miss all of you too. I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness.

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Sweet treats for a sweet recovery...

Thanks to my sweet cousin Sujin! Do I really have to share? Love you!

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Hanging tight...

Thanks to you Neesa! Your thoughtfulness is truly appreciated. Just looking at these yummy goodies makes me feel better.

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You thought right...

Thank you Nana & Bennie for your sweet card; it definitely did it's job! All your well wishes & prayers have not only picked me up but are carrying me through this! Love you all. xoxo

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From my anonymous K9 Admirer

Thank u so much....oh, Yulia! ;)
Woof woof!

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My new do!

Officially ready to start shedding when I start chemo!

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I guess I'm no Wonder Woman

So as much as I wanted to think I would be up and about without a lot of pain and feeling just fine after surgery, I must admit this little procedure has had quite a toll on me.  I'm in a lot more pain than I thought I would be and am requiring more pain medication than I expected to take.  I'm also feeling exhausted!!  I can't explain why I feel so tired and why I find myself falling asleep every time I sit on the sofa and get a little comfy.

I refuse to think it's my age because I'm still only a tender thirty something;)  Can't imagine what would have happened if I required a total mastectomy!  Well, I'm going to take advantage of my personal nurse/indentured servant for the next 2 weeks (aka my sister Sophia); and yes I guess they were all right when they said I would need 2-4 weeks to recuperate, I will no longer argue and just take this time to recover.

Today is a good day...

Woke up to the sun streaming into my room and relatively pain free...sigh of content!:)
I'm still in some discomfort but it does not compare to the excruciating burning pain from 2 days ago, it's nice to not have to start off my day with 2 Lortabs!

My parents arrive in Baltimore this evening, I can't wait to greet them with the biggest of smiles and cheeriest of disposition.  I will not be sad or angry about my diagnosis, I'm over it now and have to move on; it's so easy to do with everyone behind me!

Hello Kitty bingo anyone?

Who wants to play? Thanks to Nastaran, my days will be filled with HK fun!

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