I can't even begin to describe how bad I feel right now, it's taking me a lot of energy and effort to get on and write today. I seriously thought that two days ago I was feeling better than I had compared to right after my prior treatments but I spoke way too soon. I feel more tired and nauseated than before. The horrible taste in my mouth is the worse it's ever been, I can't bring myself to drink anything because it makes my nausea seem more intense with that horrible taste that continues to linger and won't go away no matter what I try to eat or chew.
I woke up teary eyed hating the way I felt but I was determined to make it into work and I did for a short 3.5 hours. I saw two post op patients and called it quits. I probably shouldn't have driven home but obviously wasn't thinking clearly--the only thing I could focus on was getting home and comfortable.
I'm glad my parents were here to let me just collapse and not worry about anything. They have answered every beck and call without delay and I feel bad that I have to rely on them. I really thought this time it was going to be easier for me, I thought my body was getting used to the effects of chemo but it must be true that some of the effects are definitely cumulative.
I don't want anybody's pity or sympathy, I just don't want to feel the way I do right now. I truly wished people telling me "hope you feel better" or "feel better soon" really worked. I don't mean to be crude or unappreciative of all those around me that worry and only wish me the best but sometimes it just helps not to say anything!
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