3 more to go!!!

I can hardly believe that there are only 3--yes, 3 more treatments left!!!!

It has been such a long road; many times rocky and misleading, but I am finally coming to the end.  The end of this week may result in the end of my entries all together but I hope for everyone who has followed my progress and has gotten me through this, I hope you will continue to keep in touch by phone and/or email.  I have truly been so blessed with the best of family and friends, I can't imagine what would have happened without all the prayers, well wishes and support.  I still have another 4.5 years before I can say that I am completely cancer free but I am not only hopeful but very positive that with all of you behind me I will make that huge milestone.

No pain, no gain?!

I woke up this morning from shooting pain on my right side.  I have definitely developed some skin changes--not only from radiation but from chafing during my work out yesterday (oops!).  I met with my personal trainer for the first time yesterday and even though we concentrated on core and lower body exercises, I still managed to do quite a number on my right side and underarm.  It was bad enough that my radiation oncologist had to prescribe a topical medication to use with some special bandages to help with healing.  So not only do my legs feel sore but my right chest is so irritated right now that it hurts to have anything rub against it.  I'm not so sure that old adage "no pain, no gain" is all that true in this case! :-/

The countdown begins...

I am down to my last 8 treatments as of this evening!  It is a bit surreal to me, I can't believe that this ordeal will be behind me very soon.  There is a huge part of me that is giddy inside at this realization but there is also a small part that worries about the future and whether I will stay cancer free.  I know that this is not something I should worry about now but it has crossed my mind a few times.  I feel like I've fought such a brave fight but am so scared that the battle may not truly be over.  I guess for now I should just concentrate on getting through my treatments and crossing that finish line that lies not too far away!

Coming to the end...

Tomorrow will be the end of week 5 of radiation.  The end of radiation is in sight and it is quite bitter sweet as to me it means the end of treatment all together!  Yes, I still have 5 years of daily Tamoxifen but taking a pill every day seems so insignificant compared to the past 6 months.

Now, I look forward to new beginnings--new hair, new nails and new courage to live as a breast cancer survivor! :)

Sigh!

I am exhausted!  I don't know if this is the exhaustion that comes with radiation or just me working and playing too hard and not getting very good sleep.  Either way, all I want to do when I get home is sleep.  I am doing my best to get little chores done around the house but I've already fallen off the exercise wagon, the personal trainer I was supposed to start working with cancelled on me yesterday and I didn't quite take that long walk I was planning to take.  All I could think about doing when I got home today was crashing but laundry and dishes got in the way--although I'm not sure where I dredged up the energy to do what I did.  And once again, I made some excuse not to work out.  I'd just like to sleep through the night without waking every couple of hours and it's been a long time since I've woken up in the morning feeling like I actually got a full night's rest and feeling refreshed.  Maybe this weekend I'll actually get a chance to sleep in and catch up on some needed rest.

Summer in April

Today was an absolutely beautiful day with highs in the 80s!!
Just a tiny taste of what's to come in the coming months but a frustrating tease as a storm is headed our way with cooler temperatures for the rest of the week.
Today, I have started a diet and hope to keep up with my light work outs to become ready for the summer months ahead and to be able to fit into my spring/summer clothes.  I hope all of you will keep me accountable and on track to achieving my goal of getting back in shape!

A month full of X's

Believe it or not, one whole month of treatments is done!  Yes, I have made it though 4 full weeks of radiation.  I realized that my last blog was Tuesday and it is currently Sunday, but it only felt like yesterday that I posted my last entry.  Time is truly flying and it is really scaring me.  I feel like I have so much to do and very little time to do it.  It is already April and before I know it, it will be the end of 2011.  I had wanted to re-certify this year but I've already let a quarter of the year pass without having lifted a single text book or review book.  I have 3 weeks of radiation to go, maybe I should concentrate on getting through the next 3 weeks before I worry about anything else!

To my new growth!--Literally

How many people can say that they were excited to see the growth of new facial hair?  I got very excited to see the finest of peach fuzz that seemed to have magically appeared on my head and face; I don't mind the fuzz on my head so much but the facial hair--ummm, not so much?!  But I shouldn't complain as this only means that my eyebrows and eyelashes will be growing back soon as well.  I guess I'll need to dust off my tweezers and get to work.  YAY to my new growth!! :D

Yet another week

Monday has come too quickly once again and as always, I am wishing for an end to another work week as it gets started.  As much as I like my job I have often been feeling like I am due for a very long vacation!  I'm sure what I've had to endure over the past 6 months has a lot to do with it.

I survived a relatively quiet call weekend and have been spending much quality time with 3 furry friends as I am dog sitting and cat watching for two different people.  Hopefully staying busy with my new four legged best friends will make this week fly by!

Time flies...

It must be true, what my parents have been telling me for years: the older you get, the faster time passes.  I've also come to realize that you don't necessarily have to be having fun for time to fly!  I can't believe I am coming onto the end of my third week of radiation!!!  At this rate, it'll be summer before I know it and I'll be complaining about how hot it is under my wigs.  I have no clue when or how long it will be before I see any of my own hair again.  It has been over one month since my last chemotherapy and I have yet to see a single hair return anywhere on my body!  In fact I think I may still be loosing hair as I now have only 3 eyelashes left on the left and a whopping 5 on my right!  I guess it's a good thing time is flying, maybe I'll have some hair before I know it.

So far so good

I am over 1/3 through radiation and I am very glad to report that I have had minimal skin changes, I have once again been able to impress the docs; usually by the second week, most patients supposedly are requiring creams to treat the skin changes--thankfully I am not requiring any yet.  I am still having some issues with swelling on the right side and with my arm but I am hoping this is the worst it is going to get.

I have officially started exercising again and am trying to stick to somewhat of a diet--we'll see how long this lasts.  I'm hoping to be able to fit back into my clothes!!  I'm so tired of trying to stuff myself into my fat pants only to end up with a muffin top.  I have about 4 weeks before my cousin's wedding and I'd like to loose at least half the weight that I've gained.  I shall keep you updated, hopefully I will succeed!

Finally!

I think I am finally over my cold, I still have a bit of a cough but definitely much better than one week ago. I can now sleep through the night without waking to hacking up half a lung!

I've also made it through week 2 of radiation, it really feels like time is flying.  I'm excited to think that I'll be done with treatment before I realize it.  I am having a bit of discomfort in the radiation site but it hasn't gotten to the point that I should worry yet.  I'm afraid the edema may become problematic but I'm following recommendations for scheduled therapy and a night sleeve to help keep it from getting out of hand.

I know that I've only made it through 2 of the 7 weeks of radiation and I may be jumping the gun but I really feel like I'm ready to get back to doing all the things I was before my diagnosis.  I've decided to start slowly; I may not start training for a half marathon yet but I think I'm ready to be much more active than the couch potato I have been over the past several months.  My biggest dilemma is trying to decide which wig to wear when I do work out or if I should try the scarf and cap look for my trips to the gym.  My life is pretty good if that's my biggest dilemma, wouldn't you say?!

Cold be gone, already!

I had my weekly evaluation by my Radiation Oncologist and she feels that I am showing signs of skin changes although I haven't really noticed anything myself and luckily haven't felt anything.  There is definitely more edema which she seemed a little concerned about but to me it is my new normal, but I guess if it gets any worse I'll have to reach out to Maureen, the miracle worker when it comes to treating lymphedema.  I'm hoping it doesn't get to that point because I feel like I just don't have enough time in the day to go for treatment or I may be feeling that way because I'm sleep deprived, which I think may be causing some impatience.

I know there are many people who have been battling the same bad cold I have for several weeks now and even though I'm on antibiotics and feel better I can't get rid of this annoying cough which is waking me up in the middle of the night and keeping me up.  It is a horrible hacking cough that makes me feel like I can't catch my breath at times and it has kept me up for the past 3 nights!  I'm ready for a peaceful and restful night of sleep!!

Monday blues!

Woke up to a cold and rainy Monday morning.  Definitely feeling like my chest cold is getting worse and have now started on a short course of antibiotics.  Went for my daily radiation treatment and met yet another young hospital employee going through radiation for breast cancer, difference is she didn't have to go through chemo.  As she continued to tell me about her experience, she mentioned that she was currently out on medical leave because she was having bad side effects to radiation--she had lost about 7 lbs in a weeks time and was too tired to get through a half a day at work.  I began to think, I can stand to loose some weight but I don't think I like the whole idea of not being able to get through work.  Started to feel a little down and began to worry...Then it dawned on me, I was not the typical chemo patient and I refuse to be another typical radiation patient.  I was able to impress the surgeons I work for and all the doctors treating me when I went through all 6 cycles of chemo with very little time off and still active as a surgical PA; I even earned the title of the only woman known to Mercy Outpatient Chemo who wore heals through chemotherapy!  I shouldn't let anyone else's experiences influence me or my attitude, I know I can get through this without a hitch--if I could only get over this cold!! :-/

1 down 6 more weeks to go!

I am happy to say that the first week of radiation has gone by quickly and relatively smoothly, considering I  almost forgot to go for my treatments a couple of times!  I only hope that the next 6 weeks go by as quickly and as smoothly.

This past week was a bit miserable because I've been battling a bad cold on top of trying to keep up with a busy schedule at work.  I did get some time to chill and relax this weekend but Sunday night has come too fast and I have a feeling Monday morning will be here way too soon.  The cold that started out in my head has made it's way down into my chest and I hope that it will make it's way out any day now!  I cannot believe that I made it through chemo without catching a thing, even when my counts were down and I was most susceptible, and it's now when I finally thought I was getting close to being normal that I catch a cold!!!  Oh, the frustration...I guess I shouldn't complain, I should be grateful that nothing bad ever happened and that this is only a cold!

Patience grasshopper!

Um...so today was only day 3 of radiation and I'm already feeling like these daily treatments are crampin' my style!  I hate having to put aside 10-15 minutes to get zapped.  I feel like I have to drop everything for the short treatments and it seems very inconvenient especially lately when my schedule at work has been uber crazy.  I have a feeling I am going to be constantly annoyed for the next 6 1/2 weeks!

Daily reminder

I guess it's because it's only the beginning of my radiation treatments but I found myself forgetting about my daily appointment.  It's really not painful and to be honest it's a mere 10-15 minutes of my day (not even long enough to get settled and catch a cat nap!) but today I almost forgot to make my appointment; I'm afraid at this rate I may truly forget to go one day!

I have to admit, I am a very spoiled patient.  The radiation therapists have made provisions to get me in and out whenever I can make it.  They've even made sure that my treatments remain confidential and have upheld my privacy by letting me enter and wait in the conference room away from other patients in case I were to run into any of the patients I may have treated.  I even get my own changing room away from the general patient changing room area and at the end of my treatment I get to slip out through the back.  At this rate, my treatments should pass by quickly--as long as I remember to make them!

The countdown begins

I have placed the first of 34 "X's" on my calendar to countdown the next 7 weeks of daily radiation treatments.  It was truly a simple chore, I lay in my mold for less than 10 minutes and was done; painless and easy!  I'm not sure if I'll feel the same way in a few weeks when I begin having skin changes but for now I'll take it one day at a time.

Another reason to celebrate

It feels somehow official that I've completed chemotherapy now that I've gotten my port-a-cath out; yes, yesterday under local anesthesia, I got my port out--YAY!!!  The interventional radiology nurses were kinda disapproving the fact that I didn't want to be sedated but I was able to talk the radiologist into performing the procedure with just some local.  Surprising, I haven't even had a lot of pain, a little discomfort last night but I didn't even have to take any Tylenol or Advil for it.

Got my port out just in time as I will be starting radiation on Monday.  Next Monday will start my countdown to 7 weeks of daily weekday visits to the basement of the building that I work in to lay in a mold made of my upper body for 10 minutes while I get zapped with 2 different beams--how exciting does that sound?!

This past week has been a crazy one at work.  I've come home late and gone straight to bed most of the days neglecting this blog.  I guess I am closer to normal than I thought--no more foreign body in my chest, boring life that lets me work long hours.  Normal is good, especially if I were to compare it to the past several months but I think it may be time to work on a new normal.  Just need to figure out what I want my new normal to be!

Almost normal again

It's amazing what the human body can endure.  To think that just a couple of weeks ago I had wanted to literally die; and it was after a week of feeling miserable that I miraculously and all of a sudden began to feel better.  I remember waking up one morning and being able to get out of bed, actually able to stay awake for a short period of time; the following day I was feeling even better.  Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I felt like I was improving by leaps and bounds as each day passed and now I almost feel like I'm close to being back to normal.  This whole experience has made me realize how important and glorious good health truly is.  I can now appreciate the frustration and depression chronically ill patients must feel.  I hope that I will never forget this and always be grateful for what I have.

It has been a crazy week at work and now that I'm feeling better I have found myself getting back into the thick of things.  I feel wiped out once I get home but am just glad that I am able to get up and get to work the next day.  I still don't have an exact date to start radiation but know it won't be too long before I am scheduled for my first treatment.  I have absolutely no anxiety or fear about the treatments, I feel confident that I'll get through my 34 treatments without much difficulty.  I just can't wait until the day that I can announce that I have officially beat The Big C!

A new battle

Now that I'm done with chemo, I am getting ready to start radiation therapy; I'm expected to as soon as next week.  I've met with my radiation oncologist who has expedited my simulation and plans to start the first of 34 treatments next week.  I honestly feel like the next 7 weeks will be a walk in the park compared to the past 4 months. 

As I get to feeling more like my pre-cancer diagnosis self, I look forward to putting ALL of this behind me.

One day at a time.

It's truly amazing what a difference one day can make.  I feel like I have improved by leaps and bounds over night.  I am looking forward to the next few days because I can only hope that I will continue to get even better.  I think I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel and it seems to be getting brighter! :)

Emerging from the darkness.

Even though I know the worst is behind me, I remain emotionless.  I don't know if it's because I'm still somewhat fatigued and tired or if it hasn't hit me completely because the fire in my stomach is only now beginning to smolder and I'm not near being 100% yet.  I am definitely better than just even 2 days ago but like I said, I am not as joyous as I thought I would be once I started feeling better.

I still feel like I have a long way to go, although I'm pretty sure radiation will be a walk in the park compared to chemo.  I am becoming very impatient with time; all I want is for this whole ordeal to be over and in my past.  I want to fast forward to the future when I will have my own hair, my nails will be normal again, the neuropathy in my feet no longer exists and I can truly taste again--when I can say I am a breast cancer survivor!  I'm sure we've all realized that as we get older, time flies; it's not flying past me fast enough right now.  I don't want to have any regrets but all I wish for at this moment is to warp to next year!

On the steps of death's door.

It doesn't feel like it'll take much to push me over the edge; and to be honest, I wish this would all end right now. This past week has been the worst of the worst. Thank God this is the last time I have to endure this torture, it is the only thought right now that is getting me through this. The minutes and hours move so slowly, why can't it be next week already; I know I would feel so much better. I keep waiting to wake up feeling stronger, more comfortable but it just won't happen. What am I doing wrong? What can I do to feel better? My poor parents are probably at their wits' end trying to make me comfortable. I think they were less annoyed when all I did was sleep, now all I can do is grunt and groan when I'm awake. Bless their hearts, what did they do to deserve this? Heck, what did I do to deserve this?

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The Fat Lady will sing...

Tomorrow is the day--my VERY LAST cycle of chemo!!!
After tomorrow, I know I'll have about a week of suffering but after that, it's ALL OVER!  I will be so close to winning this battle.  I know the tears that I cry right now are mostly tears of joy but I can't lie, there are also tears of fear and anxiety mixed in.  I already have that vile taste in my mouth that is always compounded during the administration of one of the chemo meds and I'm already feeling a bit of nausea.  I think I feel the shortness of breath that I get during the administration of yet another of the chemo agents.
I get the tiniest bit of comfort knowing that this is it--this will be the last time I'll every have to endure this.
I have asked that I am heavily pre-medicated for my last cycle, I plan to be in medication induced sleep during my last 6 hours of hell and can only hope it lasts an extra 4-5 days to keep me comfortable until I can bear staying awake.
You may not read any new posts for the next few days but be assured that when I come back, it will be a new me in many ways!

Very sad day

I woke up to find out that Karen's daughter, Ashley, passed away this morning from the injuries she sustained in the car crash yesterday.  I can't even begin to imagine what Karen and her family are going through right now.  I'm not sure if it's the shock and sadness of the news or the fact that what happened has reminded me how precious life is and how easily it can all be taken away from you, but I'm not so worried about my last treatment on Friday.  How could I possibly compare the few days of misery with the anguish from losing one's own child?  The side effects following my treatment seem so insignificant right now and as morbid as it may seem, I'm glad my mind has been taken off the last treatment and the days of torture to follow.

A Valentine's that will be hard to forget.

Today may be a special day for many or for a few it may just be another day that comes and goes, but for one person it will be a day she will never forget.
For everyone reading this, please keep Karen (the administrator for Hematology Oncology and Surgical Oncology) and her family in mind, Karen's youngest daughter was in a serious car accident earlier this afternoon and the last I heard, her prognosis is not good--she is only 18 years old.
I just don't understand why some things happen to certain people--I really just don't understand.

Singing my blues away.

There's nothing like a fun night out with your girl friends, enjoying good food and of course singing our favorite songs at a Karaoke room to lift a person's spirit!

Last night was a planned girls' night out with a few of my closest girl friends and a couple of new friends that I've met over the past few months.  There was a large part of me that was excited to be going out with my friends to have fun as it's been a very long time, at least to my recollection, that the group that got together last night has gotten together.  But there was a small part of me that was dreading the night and regretting ever having suggested it, I think my last post is enough explanation as to why.  In the end I had a blast as did everyone else and I was glad that I had not backed out, but I've come to see and understand how easy it can be for people to withdraw from the world and live in isolation.  There have been many times over the past several weeks and maybe even months that I've wanted to hide from everyone and retreat into my own world where I could pretend to find comfort and unattainable peace.  I'm just glad I have so many good friends who continue to help pull me back to where I need to be when I start to digress.

My Vanity lives on

I have never been more depressed than now.  Getting ready this morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks--I am SO fat and unattractive!  I know that at this time, I have a lot more to worry about than my weight or my morphing body; but I am human and I am a woman.  I had been so proud of my well shaped head when I first lost my hair but as I look at my bald head decorated by small patchy areas of hardy stubble, all I can do is yearn for MY OWN hair.  Getting dressed every morning is like torture, nothing fits; I have a permanent muffin top and even my fat pants are too tight!  I don't know what is most depressing though, as I paint my happy face on every morning I notice my ever thinning eye lashes which I'm afraid I'll lose completely after my last treatment next week and of course my eyebrows as well, thank goodness I had them tattooed years ago--who knew, but see, things happen for a reason.  Yes, yes, there is always a silver lining; who should know that better than myself, the eternal optimist--maybe not for much longer.  But, yes, I realize I'm probably saving quite a bit of money from not having to use shampoo.  And yes, I have saved so much time in the mornings not having to spend half an hour drying my hair.  What am I complaining about, I haven't had to shave my legs in months, right?!  I know, I know, I'll lose the weight once this is all over and my eyelashes and eyebrows will grow back.  But right now, at this particular moment and time, all I can do is mourn my lost beauty and self esteem.

Chemo Brain :/

I am quite embarrassed and a little annoyed to admit that not only have I had trouble remembering things but I've also been having problems with forming words and completing sentences.  Now, I know many of us have had the occasional misplacing keys or experiencing the word or phrase being on the tip of your tongue; but seriously, my forgetfulness and dysphasia is at an all time high!

Hmmm...where was I going with this?

See!!!  Even if I did remember, I probably couldn't come up with the words to express it!

Manic Monday

My alarm definitely rang too early this morning, thank goodness for snooze; why is it Mondays always come around so soon?

This past weekend I was introduced to a Reiki therapist, I'm not sure I truly experienced the balancing therapy of Reiki but it was definitely intriguing, I came away with 2 stones or friends as she described them--they sit keeping each other company on my desk at home, I wonder what they'll conspire to do for me sitting there.  Whether my first Reiki treatment was successful or not in balancing my energies, I truly feel like it prepared me for the Super Bowl; well, at least my appetite.  It must be true what they say about Super Bowl Sunday--it is second only to Thanksgiving as the day that people eat the most--I stuffed my face prior to kick off then again during the first quarter, followed by yet another snack during half time and topped off by warm, gooey brownies a la mode during fourth quarter!!!  I was most definitely the MVP of eating last night although I don't think that'll get me a victory Camaro like Aaron Rodgers.

So I think it's safe to say that I am feeling MUCH better than a week ago but I continue to have mild lingering symptoms that I don't remember complaining about after my earlier treatments.  I know that I only have one more treatment left but I can tell that I have lost a lot of the optimism and positivity I started out with.  All I can focus on is how completely miserable I will be for the very last time.  At this point, I'm not sure if the continued nausea is from my most recent treatment or anticipatory from the thought of my next and last treatment.  Either way, I hope in another 3-4 weeks this will all be a faded memory.

Feeling human again!

Imagine if you can, me dancing on the tallest mountain (much like the opening scene of The Sound of Music where Maria has her arms outstretched and singing "the hills are alive...") with Handel's Messiah resonating from the clear blue skies...that is how I feel right now!!  I am SO grateful to be feeling somewhat normal again, although my new "normal" is not nearly what normal should be.  And although many of you may frown upon the fact that I tried to get out of my final cycle of chemotherapy, may I just stop you now from shaking your finger at me or sending your disapproving remarks as I was very unsuccessful in getting this approved by my Oncologist.  There was absolutely no hesitation or a even an ounce of consideration before I was reprimanded with a BIG FAT NO! :/

The last week has made me even more appreciative of my "good days" and being able to do even the simplest activities of daily living.  I am truly humbled by what I am going through and have learned huge lessons about life, I only pray that I will never forget what I have learned and am able to live my life to reflect all the lessons learned.

Hopping New Year!:)

Happy Lunar New Year!!
May the year of the rabbit bring only the best to all.  It is supposed to be a quieter year, especially after the ferocious year of the tiger--wow, you don't have to tell me!!!  I am looking forward to hopping into a much more peaceful year. :)  I just read something on the internet that I hope will be true about this year: For once, it may seem possible for us to be carefree and happy without too many annoyances.

To being carefree and happy without too many annoyances!

Nonexistent!

Have you ever just wanted to be nonexistent?  Like not existing or ever having existed would make everything you are going through null and void?!  That's the way I feel right now, I wish I did not exist--never had existed, that way I wouldn't have to be going through this right now.  I can't even begin to describe how I feel, I just know that it's the worse since starting treatment and at this rate I may not have it in me to complete the last cycle.  No amount of Zofran, nothing I eat or drink can get rid of this horrible knot that travels from my stomach and will linger in my chest and throat ready to make me dry heave and very close to throwing up.  No matter how much I sleep I have no energy to get up and complete any task I begin.  I find myself breaking out into a cold sweat and getting weak in my knees just standing for more than a minute or two.  There are so many people asking what they can do to help, I wish I knew what to ask for; I just don't know--but if by chance you do, please, PLEASE I'll take it, do it whatever I have to!

Please...

someone put me out of my misery!!!

A very special weekend

It's times like this weekend that I hope I will remember most about my battle with The Big C.  Although it was short, it was a very special weekend because my oldest and dearest friend Angela was here to spend it with me.  Angela--thank you so much for taking the time to come make sure I am ok, I know you hate that you can't do more for me but just knowing how much you care and love me is enough.  You have truly been my bestest friend and that is what matters the most.  I know I can always reach out to you and rely on you no matter what to be here for me and that means the world to me!  Please thank Erik and Ayden too, I know they missed their wife and mom!  I can't wait to see you again soon when I have more energy and am back to being myself.

I hope this week passes quickly...the sooner it passes the sooner I feel better and the sooner I come to finishing my last treatment!!!  Then on to radiation, it can't be any worse than this.

On the homestretch!

Tomorrow will be the second to last cycle of chemotherapy.  The second to last time I'll have to sit for hours while they pump me with fluids and poison to kill the other poison in my  body.  The second to last time I get to complain about how badly I feel for 7-10 days.  The second to last time I have an excuse for not wanting to do things and only wanting to sleep!

I'm finally on the homestretch but the finish line still seems so far away.  I wish there was a way I could finish without having to run this last leg.  I'm so tired and exhausted of feeling tired and exhausted.

We had some pretty bad weather here in Baltimore yesterday evening, making the commute home miserable for many people.  I was one of the lucky ones who didn't have to spend hours upon hours waiting to move an inch or two on the roads that had turned into parking lots.  But for those of you who found themselves stuck in the worst ever traffic jam, I think you can feel the frustration I feel with my life.  I feel stuck in one place, wanting to get to where I want to go but without a way to get there; I have no control of what is ahead or behind me, I am at the mercy of the current situation without a say in any of it.  I want it to be over but the end seems nowhere in sight, I know things will get better but I just don't know when.

It's so sad to me that I'm so close to the end yet more depressed than ever.  I know I'll get through it, I just wish there was an easier way!

Mixed emotions

I'm finding myself unbelievably conflicted; on one hand I'm elated that on Friday I will be receiving my second to last treatment, yet on the other hand I'm terribly anxious and extremely sad because with my next treatment I know I am going to feel miserable for what to me will feel like an eternity.  I want to cry tears of joy because I am going to be very VERY close to the end of this torturous journey but right now I think I'm closer to sobbing for fear of what I know is coming and anguish because I don't want to go through the next week to 10 days.  I wish I could fast forward through the next few months and be done with it all, wouldn't life be grand if we could navigate our way through life that way; I guess while I'm at it I should just rewind and never have gotten breast cancer to begin!

Yet another reminder...

Time spent with good people who truly care this entire weekend has reminded me of how lucky I really am; I am so grateful for all the wonderful people I have met here in Baltimore.  I don't know if it was my diagnosis and the treatments that I have to endure that has brought me closer to those I never thought I would call my close and dear friends; and as crazy as it may sound, I am glad to be going through what I am going through right now because it has brought some wonderful people into my life.  I've always believed that your true friends will stick with you through the good and the bad and I am so fortunate to say that not only do I have some wonderful friends who have stuck with me through the years and have been strong pillars through this difficult journey but there have been new friends who have come to my side at a low point in my life to help pick me up.

I am so lucky to have all of you in my life and even if I may forget to say it or show you...THANK YOU!

XOXO

Here it goes again...

Yet another weekend of call has come around too quickly.  I'm feeling an exhaustion that is different from the worn out feeling post chemo.  I'm hoping and not just praying but begging that this weekend is quiet and uneventful!  The only thing that is helping me get through this weekend is the fact that it'll be my last call weekend for a while, I won't have a single weekend of call in February!!  YAY!

Although I'm feeling SO much better my taste buds are taking their time to come around, I guess this is to be expected; although, I have had coffee and a beer and they weren't too bad.  Sadly wine didn't pass my taste test and diet coke just isn't the same. :(  Thank goodness this change is not permanent, I would be very  very sad.  I'm just looking forward to getting back to normal once I've completed ALL my treatments--that day is not too far away!  YAY ME!!! :D

Armed for Round 9!

Thanks to Nastaran!

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Note to self...

Remember NO EXPECTATIONS!!!  This is my new montra and I must live it!!  I have a very bad habit of waking up in the morning and expecting certain things to happen or expecting certain outcomes at the end of the day.  I should have learned my lesson by now--I will always be disappointed when I expect anything.

Sigh of relief...

because I am feeling SO much better.  I don't think I could appreciate a cup of coffee or cold beer quite yet but I think I'm very close!!!  I am so grateful to be feeling better--I don't think there are any words to express exactly what or how it is that I am feeling--just grateful!  Grateful not to be nauseated almost all day long and very grateful to have more energy and not feel like my head is in a cloud.

A very special thank you to Maureen--you are a miracle worker!!!!  Thanks for taking the time to bring the sleeve, it's the (ugly) icing on the cake to treating my lymphedema--the MLD has worked wonders and I don't feel as uncomfortable, looking forward to my next treatment!

Big sigh!  :D

Not long enough.

Why is it that the weekend is never long enough?

I've started to feel better but this weekend was definitely too short to get in everything I had wanted to, not that any of it was all that important or special but I would have liked to have finished all my laundry and cleaning--I needed way too many breaks during my attempt to finish my chores and it took much longer than I thought it would to catch my second wind to keep going.  As for sleep, I'm sure many of you would agree that there will never be enough time to catch up on sleep!;)  I spent most of the night tossing and turning for some reason and spent most of the day dragging.  I'm definitely not as nauseous now but still can't shake that constant irritating taste in my mouth.  All I want is to enjoy a cup of coffee or a nice cold beer!  Hopefully in the next few days I'll be beaming about how great my morning coffee was.

Looking forward to the coming week as things can only get better!

TGIF!! For real!

I have never been so happy that it is a Friday.  All I can think about is how long I'll get to sleep, hopefully uninterrupted, and not having to get up and ready for work!!!!

I'm starting the weekend off on the right foot, I think...I was lucky enough to have Maureen work on some of my lymphedema this afternoon and the tightness, heaviness and discomfort is somewhat better.  I hope to be able to sleep through the night without having to get up because I'm wet from cold sweats or because my stomach is irritated.  I'm just glad I don't have to listen to the alarm wake me from the deep sleep that finally comes after getting up 2-3 times during the night.  Today has been better than the last week and the timing would be right for me to be on the upswing but I'm still feeling run down and no, the nausea and horrible taste in my mouth are not giving up.  Please!!!!  I hope this weekend of rest and relaxation are all I need to get me back to feeling closer to normal.

The light at the end of the tunnel?!

For the second time in a row, I had to fight the urge to throw up while getting ready in the morning.  The nausea is definitely worse!  I think I've taken more Zofran just this week than after my first three treatments.  This entire week I've not only had to deal with the nausea and fatigue but for some reason I've been having significant discomfort at my surgical sites.  I want to say that I am feeling somewhat better today but my right side hurts and the continued nagging discomfort won't go away along with the continued nausea and bad taste in my mouth.  Tomorrow is Friday and I'll be one week out from my last treatment, based on my past experience, things should be getting better--I'm searching for that light at the end of the tunnel but for some reason it's really hard to see right now. :'(

Please join in my misery

That is all I can ask...please don't feel helpless or sad just cry with me and be angry, frustrated and fed up that I feel like crap.  Please don't tell me to feel better just agree it's bad.

My fridge is full of everything I can think of that I thought would make me feel better, taste ok, feel right on my stomach but nothing--NOTHING has truly hit the spot.  I'm running out of ideas and becoming so tired of this.

I figure I have a week of feeling the way I do right now, it cannot pass fast enough!

Not sure how much more I can really take!

Uggg...I'm beginning question how much more I can take of this; the nausea is getting worse, I want to cry because of this constant horrible taste in my mouth that nothing seems to help, my head is so heavy and in a daze...

I have 2, yes 2 treatments left but I'm not so sure how much more I can take.  I just want this to end!

Two thirds done!

I'm home safely after completing my fourth cycle of chemotherapy.  I am feeling tired but less than before because I actually got to catch a cat nap during my infusion.  I'm looking forward to a weekend of just vegging and sleeping.  I may actually be able to catch up on some needed sleep! :)

Round 8

Tomorrow will be my 4th of 6 cycles of chemotherapy.  As messed up as this may sound, I'm kinda looking forward to it because I know I won't have any troubles sleeping for the next week to 10 days after tomorrow's treatment.  I do think I had a bout of anticipatory nausea this afternoon just thinking about tomorrow but it didn't stop me from finishing off left over Chinese food from last night.

It has truly been a busy week at work and am feeling like I can use a break, this is another reason why I am looking forward to my treatment tomorrow because I plan to try to remove myself completely from work--both physically and mentally and concentrate on letting my pre-medications take their course.  I feel like I'm prepared for what to expect but I won't know for sure until after tomorrow is all said and done.

Short and simple...

Still exhausted from sleep deprivation and not looking forward to how bad I'll feel after chemo on Friday!:(
Not even 9:30 and I'm ready to fall asleep.
Hope to feel rested tomorrow morning.

Will I ever catch up on my sleep?

I'm definitely not 26 anymore--and I'm feeling it.  There are a few of you who may be able to sympathize with me and feel my pain when I say that I no longer can function on just a few hours of sleep.  What happened to those days when you could pull an all-nighter and still be able to go, go, go the next day?  It has been too long since I've had to pull an all-nighter but I thought I had it in me to be able to at least function with just a couple of hours of sleep--I am wrong!!  My new year was off to a pretty good start until I was called in to operate at 11:00 PM on a Sunday night!  By the time I got home and ready for bed it was already 2:30 in the morning.  I think I was running on pure adrenaline most of Monday but I began to fade pretty quickly once it hit around 4 in the afternoon.  Feeling exhausted, I had tried to get to bed early last night; once again, the best laid plans of mice and men...I may have gotten a little over 6 hours of sleep but it was definitely not enough to make me feel refreshed or caught up on my sleep.  I guess I shouldn't complain because in a few more days, all I'll do is sleep--yes, my 4th cycle of chemo is coming up.  Yay me!

Auld lang syne

The new year has gotten well underway and I am proud to say that it has been a good start so far.  Call weekend hasn't been too bad, it could be worse.  Alabama won the Capital One Bowl game with a record point spread: 49 - 7.  The first evening of 2011 was spent with good friends and new acquaintances sipping on home made cotton candy martinis and sharing fun stories of the past.

I will try to put the past year to memory and hope that I will remember the lessons that I have learned, especially the ones I had to learn in a very short period of time since mid-September when I was diagnosed.  I do not have any New Year's resolutions nor do I plan to make any; I will focus on living my life one day at a time for now and as I've mentioned before, I will not have any expectations for 2011.  Although there are many things I want to do and accomplish this year, I will try my hardest to remain realistic about the goals I set.  I think I can be safe to say I will accomplish my goal of completing treatment.  I cannot guarantee how much more I will successfully accomplish this year but I would like to successfully re-certify sometime between now and the middle of next year.  I have registered for the Susan G Komen 60 miles in 3 days and hope to be able to complete this without any major complications along with the others in my group the Charm City Cha-Chas.  As for everything else that lingers in the back of my mind and tempts me to get excited and to make lavish plans; I do acknowledge all these things that I hope for and aspire to accomplish but again I will take one day at a time, hope for the best but expect the worst--this way, I will not be disappointed with what may happen this year.