One day at a time.

It's truly amazing what a difference one day can make.  I feel like I have improved by leaps and bounds over night.  I am looking forward to the next few days because I can only hope that I will continue to get even better.  I think I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel and it seems to be getting brighter! :)

Emerging from the darkness.

Even though I know the worst is behind me, I remain emotionless.  I don't know if it's because I'm still somewhat fatigued and tired or if it hasn't hit me completely because the fire in my stomach is only now beginning to smolder and I'm not near being 100% yet.  I am definitely better than just even 2 days ago but like I said, I am not as joyous as I thought I would be once I started feeling better.

I still feel like I have a long way to go, although I'm pretty sure radiation will be a walk in the park compared to chemo.  I am becoming very impatient with time; all I want is for this whole ordeal to be over and in my past.  I want to fast forward to the future when I will have my own hair, my nails will be normal again, the neuropathy in my feet no longer exists and I can truly taste again--when I can say I am a breast cancer survivor!  I'm sure we've all realized that as we get older, time flies; it's not flying past me fast enough right now.  I don't want to have any regrets but all I wish for at this moment is to warp to next year!

On the steps of death's door.

It doesn't feel like it'll take much to push me over the edge; and to be honest, I wish this would all end right now. This past week has been the worst of the worst. Thank God this is the last time I have to endure this torture, it is the only thought right now that is getting me through this. The minutes and hours move so slowly, why can't it be next week already; I know I would feel so much better. I keep waiting to wake up feeling stronger, more comfortable but it just won't happen. What am I doing wrong? What can I do to feel better? My poor parents are probably at their wits' end trying to make me comfortable. I think they were less annoyed when all I did was sleep, now all I can do is grunt and groan when I'm awake. Bless their hearts, what did they do to deserve this? Heck, what did I do to deserve this?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

The Fat Lady will sing...

Tomorrow is the day--my VERY LAST cycle of chemo!!!
After tomorrow, I know I'll have about a week of suffering but after that, it's ALL OVER!  I will be so close to winning this battle.  I know the tears that I cry right now are mostly tears of joy but I can't lie, there are also tears of fear and anxiety mixed in.  I already have that vile taste in my mouth that is always compounded during the administration of one of the chemo meds and I'm already feeling a bit of nausea.  I think I feel the shortness of breath that I get during the administration of yet another of the chemo agents.
I get the tiniest bit of comfort knowing that this is it--this will be the last time I'll every have to endure this.
I have asked that I am heavily pre-medicated for my last cycle, I plan to be in medication induced sleep during my last 6 hours of hell and can only hope it lasts an extra 4-5 days to keep me comfortable until I can bear staying awake.
You may not read any new posts for the next few days but be assured that when I come back, it will be a new me in many ways!

Very sad day

I woke up to find out that Karen's daughter, Ashley, passed away this morning from the injuries she sustained in the car crash yesterday.  I can't even begin to imagine what Karen and her family are going through right now.  I'm not sure if it's the shock and sadness of the news or the fact that what happened has reminded me how precious life is and how easily it can all be taken away from you, but I'm not so worried about my last treatment on Friday.  How could I possibly compare the few days of misery with the anguish from losing one's own child?  The side effects following my treatment seem so insignificant right now and as morbid as it may seem, I'm glad my mind has been taken off the last treatment and the days of torture to follow.

A Valentine's that will be hard to forget.

Today may be a special day for many or for a few it may just be another day that comes and goes, but for one person it will be a day she will never forget.
For everyone reading this, please keep Karen (the administrator for Hematology Oncology and Surgical Oncology) and her family in mind, Karen's youngest daughter was in a serious car accident earlier this afternoon and the last I heard, her prognosis is not good--she is only 18 years old.
I just don't understand why some things happen to certain people--I really just don't understand.

Singing my blues away.

There's nothing like a fun night out with your girl friends, enjoying good food and of course singing our favorite songs at a Karaoke room to lift a person's spirit!

Last night was a planned girls' night out with a few of my closest girl friends and a couple of new friends that I've met over the past few months.  There was a large part of me that was excited to be going out with my friends to have fun as it's been a very long time, at least to my recollection, that the group that got together last night has gotten together.  But there was a small part of me that was dreading the night and regretting ever having suggested it, I think my last post is enough explanation as to why.  In the end I had a blast as did everyone else and I was glad that I had not backed out, but I've come to see and understand how easy it can be for people to withdraw from the world and live in isolation.  There have been many times over the past several weeks and maybe even months that I've wanted to hide from everyone and retreat into my own world where I could pretend to find comfort and unattainable peace.  I'm just glad I have so many good friends who continue to help pull me back to where I need to be when I start to digress.

My Vanity lives on

I have never been more depressed than now.  Getting ready this morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks--I am SO fat and unattractive!  I know that at this time, I have a lot more to worry about than my weight or my morphing body; but I am human and I am a woman.  I had been so proud of my well shaped head when I first lost my hair but as I look at my bald head decorated by small patchy areas of hardy stubble, all I can do is yearn for MY OWN hair.  Getting dressed every morning is like torture, nothing fits; I have a permanent muffin top and even my fat pants are too tight!  I don't know what is most depressing though, as I paint my happy face on every morning I notice my ever thinning eye lashes which I'm afraid I'll lose completely after my last treatment next week and of course my eyebrows as well, thank goodness I had them tattooed years ago--who knew, but see, things happen for a reason.  Yes, yes, there is always a silver lining; who should know that better than myself, the eternal optimist--maybe not for much longer.  But, yes, I realize I'm probably saving quite a bit of money from not having to use shampoo.  And yes, I have saved so much time in the mornings not having to spend half an hour drying my hair.  What am I complaining about, I haven't had to shave my legs in months, right?!  I know, I know, I'll lose the weight once this is all over and my eyelashes and eyebrows will grow back.  But right now, at this particular moment and time, all I can do is mourn my lost beauty and self esteem.

Chemo Brain :/

I am quite embarrassed and a little annoyed to admit that not only have I had trouble remembering things but I've also been having problems with forming words and completing sentences.  Now, I know many of us have had the occasional misplacing keys or experiencing the word or phrase being on the tip of your tongue; but seriously, my forgetfulness and dysphasia is at an all time high!

Hmmm...where was I going with this?

See!!!  Even if I did remember, I probably couldn't come up with the words to express it!

Manic Monday

My alarm definitely rang too early this morning, thank goodness for snooze; why is it Mondays always come around so soon?

This past weekend I was introduced to a Reiki therapist, I'm not sure I truly experienced the balancing therapy of Reiki but it was definitely intriguing, I came away with 2 stones or friends as she described them--they sit keeping each other company on my desk at home, I wonder what they'll conspire to do for me sitting there.  Whether my first Reiki treatment was successful or not in balancing my energies, I truly feel like it prepared me for the Super Bowl; well, at least my appetite.  It must be true what they say about Super Bowl Sunday--it is second only to Thanksgiving as the day that people eat the most--I stuffed my face prior to kick off then again during the first quarter, followed by yet another snack during half time and topped off by warm, gooey brownies a la mode during fourth quarter!!!  I was most definitely the MVP of eating last night although I don't think that'll get me a victory Camaro like Aaron Rodgers.

So I think it's safe to say that I am feeling MUCH better than a week ago but I continue to have mild lingering symptoms that I don't remember complaining about after my earlier treatments.  I know that I only have one more treatment left but I can tell that I have lost a lot of the optimism and positivity I started out with.  All I can focus on is how completely miserable I will be for the very last time.  At this point, I'm not sure if the continued nausea is from my most recent treatment or anticipatory from the thought of my next and last treatment.  Either way, I hope in another 3-4 weeks this will all be a faded memory.

Feeling human again!

Imagine if you can, me dancing on the tallest mountain (much like the opening scene of The Sound of Music where Maria has her arms outstretched and singing "the hills are alive...") with Handel's Messiah resonating from the clear blue skies...that is how I feel right now!!  I am SO grateful to be feeling somewhat normal again, although my new "normal" is not nearly what normal should be.  And although many of you may frown upon the fact that I tried to get out of my final cycle of chemotherapy, may I just stop you now from shaking your finger at me or sending your disapproving remarks as I was very unsuccessful in getting this approved by my Oncologist.  There was absolutely no hesitation or a even an ounce of consideration before I was reprimanded with a BIG FAT NO! :/

The last week has made me even more appreciative of my "good days" and being able to do even the simplest activities of daily living.  I am truly humbled by what I am going through and have learned huge lessons about life, I only pray that I will never forget what I have learned and am able to live my life to reflect all the lessons learned.

Hopping New Year!:)

Happy Lunar New Year!!
May the year of the rabbit bring only the best to all.  It is supposed to be a quieter year, especially after the ferocious year of the tiger--wow, you don't have to tell me!!!  I am looking forward to hopping into a much more peaceful year. :)  I just read something on the internet that I hope will be true about this year: For once, it may seem possible for us to be carefree and happy without too many annoyances.

To being carefree and happy without too many annoyances!

Nonexistent!

Have you ever just wanted to be nonexistent?  Like not existing or ever having existed would make everything you are going through null and void?!  That's the way I feel right now, I wish I did not exist--never had existed, that way I wouldn't have to be going through this right now.  I can't even begin to describe how I feel, I just know that it's the worse since starting treatment and at this rate I may not have it in me to complete the last cycle.  No amount of Zofran, nothing I eat or drink can get rid of this horrible knot that travels from my stomach and will linger in my chest and throat ready to make me dry heave and very close to throwing up.  No matter how much I sleep I have no energy to get up and complete any task I begin.  I find myself breaking out into a cold sweat and getting weak in my knees just standing for more than a minute or two.  There are so many people asking what they can do to help, I wish I knew what to ask for; I just don't know--but if by chance you do, please, PLEASE I'll take it, do it whatever I have to!

Please...

someone put me out of my misery!!!