A very special weekend

It's times like this weekend that I hope I will remember most about my battle with The Big C.  Although it was short, it was a very special weekend because my oldest and dearest friend Angela was here to spend it with me.  Angela--thank you so much for taking the time to come make sure I am ok, I know you hate that you can't do more for me but just knowing how much you care and love me is enough.  You have truly been my bestest friend and that is what matters the most.  I know I can always reach out to you and rely on you no matter what to be here for me and that means the world to me!  Please thank Erik and Ayden too, I know they missed their wife and mom!  I can't wait to see you again soon when I have more energy and am back to being myself.

I hope this week passes quickly...the sooner it passes the sooner I feel better and the sooner I come to finishing my last treatment!!!  Then on to radiation, it can't be any worse than this.

On the homestretch!

Tomorrow will be the second to last cycle of chemotherapy.  The second to last time I'll have to sit for hours while they pump me with fluids and poison to kill the other poison in my  body.  The second to last time I get to complain about how badly I feel for 7-10 days.  The second to last time I have an excuse for not wanting to do things and only wanting to sleep!

I'm finally on the homestretch but the finish line still seems so far away.  I wish there was a way I could finish without having to run this last leg.  I'm so tired and exhausted of feeling tired and exhausted.

We had some pretty bad weather here in Baltimore yesterday evening, making the commute home miserable for many people.  I was one of the lucky ones who didn't have to spend hours upon hours waiting to move an inch or two on the roads that had turned into parking lots.  But for those of you who found themselves stuck in the worst ever traffic jam, I think you can feel the frustration I feel with my life.  I feel stuck in one place, wanting to get to where I want to go but without a way to get there; I have no control of what is ahead or behind me, I am at the mercy of the current situation without a say in any of it.  I want it to be over but the end seems nowhere in sight, I know things will get better but I just don't know when.

It's so sad to me that I'm so close to the end yet more depressed than ever.  I know I'll get through it, I just wish there was an easier way!

Mixed emotions

I'm finding myself unbelievably conflicted; on one hand I'm elated that on Friday I will be receiving my second to last treatment, yet on the other hand I'm terribly anxious and extremely sad because with my next treatment I know I am going to feel miserable for what to me will feel like an eternity.  I want to cry tears of joy because I am going to be very VERY close to the end of this torturous journey but right now I think I'm closer to sobbing for fear of what I know is coming and anguish because I don't want to go through the next week to 10 days.  I wish I could fast forward through the next few months and be done with it all, wouldn't life be grand if we could navigate our way through life that way; I guess while I'm at it I should just rewind and never have gotten breast cancer to begin!

Yet another reminder...

Time spent with good people who truly care this entire weekend has reminded me of how lucky I really am; I am so grateful for all the wonderful people I have met here in Baltimore.  I don't know if it was my diagnosis and the treatments that I have to endure that has brought me closer to those I never thought I would call my close and dear friends; and as crazy as it may sound, I am glad to be going through what I am going through right now because it has brought some wonderful people into my life.  I've always believed that your true friends will stick with you through the good and the bad and I am so fortunate to say that not only do I have some wonderful friends who have stuck with me through the years and have been strong pillars through this difficult journey but there have been new friends who have come to my side at a low point in my life to help pick me up.

I am so lucky to have all of you in my life and even if I may forget to say it or show you...THANK YOU!

XOXO

Here it goes again...

Yet another weekend of call has come around too quickly.  I'm feeling an exhaustion that is different from the worn out feeling post chemo.  I'm hoping and not just praying but begging that this weekend is quiet and uneventful!  The only thing that is helping me get through this weekend is the fact that it'll be my last call weekend for a while, I won't have a single weekend of call in February!!  YAY!

Although I'm feeling SO much better my taste buds are taking their time to come around, I guess this is to be expected; although, I have had coffee and a beer and they weren't too bad.  Sadly wine didn't pass my taste test and diet coke just isn't the same. :(  Thank goodness this change is not permanent, I would be very  very sad.  I'm just looking forward to getting back to normal once I've completed ALL my treatments--that day is not too far away!  YAY ME!!! :D

Armed for Round 9!

Thanks to Nastaran!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Note to self...

Remember NO EXPECTATIONS!!!  This is my new montra and I must live it!!  I have a very bad habit of waking up in the morning and expecting certain things to happen or expecting certain outcomes at the end of the day.  I should have learned my lesson by now--I will always be disappointed when I expect anything.

Sigh of relief...

because I am feeling SO much better.  I don't think I could appreciate a cup of coffee or cold beer quite yet but I think I'm very close!!!  I am so grateful to be feeling better--I don't think there are any words to express exactly what or how it is that I am feeling--just grateful!  Grateful not to be nauseated almost all day long and very grateful to have more energy and not feel like my head is in a cloud.

A very special thank you to Maureen--you are a miracle worker!!!!  Thanks for taking the time to bring the sleeve, it's the (ugly) icing on the cake to treating my lymphedema--the MLD has worked wonders and I don't feel as uncomfortable, looking forward to my next treatment!

Big sigh!  :D

Not long enough.

Why is it that the weekend is never long enough?

I've started to feel better but this weekend was definitely too short to get in everything I had wanted to, not that any of it was all that important or special but I would have liked to have finished all my laundry and cleaning--I needed way too many breaks during my attempt to finish my chores and it took much longer than I thought it would to catch my second wind to keep going.  As for sleep, I'm sure many of you would agree that there will never be enough time to catch up on sleep!;)  I spent most of the night tossing and turning for some reason and spent most of the day dragging.  I'm definitely not as nauseous now but still can't shake that constant irritating taste in my mouth.  All I want is to enjoy a cup of coffee or a nice cold beer!  Hopefully in the next few days I'll be beaming about how great my morning coffee was.

Looking forward to the coming week as things can only get better!

TGIF!! For real!

I have never been so happy that it is a Friday.  All I can think about is how long I'll get to sleep, hopefully uninterrupted, and not having to get up and ready for work!!!!

I'm starting the weekend off on the right foot, I think...I was lucky enough to have Maureen work on some of my lymphedema this afternoon and the tightness, heaviness and discomfort is somewhat better.  I hope to be able to sleep through the night without having to get up because I'm wet from cold sweats or because my stomach is irritated.  I'm just glad I don't have to listen to the alarm wake me from the deep sleep that finally comes after getting up 2-3 times during the night.  Today has been better than the last week and the timing would be right for me to be on the upswing but I'm still feeling run down and no, the nausea and horrible taste in my mouth are not giving up.  Please!!!!  I hope this weekend of rest and relaxation are all I need to get me back to feeling closer to normal.

The light at the end of the tunnel?!

For the second time in a row, I had to fight the urge to throw up while getting ready in the morning.  The nausea is definitely worse!  I think I've taken more Zofran just this week than after my first three treatments.  This entire week I've not only had to deal with the nausea and fatigue but for some reason I've been having significant discomfort at my surgical sites.  I want to say that I am feeling somewhat better today but my right side hurts and the continued nagging discomfort won't go away along with the continued nausea and bad taste in my mouth.  Tomorrow is Friday and I'll be one week out from my last treatment, based on my past experience, things should be getting better--I'm searching for that light at the end of the tunnel but for some reason it's really hard to see right now. :'(

Please join in my misery

That is all I can ask...please don't feel helpless or sad just cry with me and be angry, frustrated and fed up that I feel like crap.  Please don't tell me to feel better just agree it's bad.

My fridge is full of everything I can think of that I thought would make me feel better, taste ok, feel right on my stomach but nothing--NOTHING has truly hit the spot.  I'm running out of ideas and becoming so tired of this.

I figure I have a week of feeling the way I do right now, it cannot pass fast enough!

Not sure how much more I can really take!

Uggg...I'm beginning question how much more I can take of this; the nausea is getting worse, I want to cry because of this constant horrible taste in my mouth that nothing seems to help, my head is so heavy and in a daze...

I have 2, yes 2 treatments left but I'm not so sure how much more I can take.  I just want this to end!

Two thirds done!

I'm home safely after completing my fourth cycle of chemotherapy.  I am feeling tired but less than before because I actually got to catch a cat nap during my infusion.  I'm looking forward to a weekend of just vegging and sleeping.  I may actually be able to catch up on some needed sleep! :)

Round 8

Tomorrow will be my 4th of 6 cycles of chemotherapy.  As messed up as this may sound, I'm kinda looking forward to it because I know I won't have any troubles sleeping for the next week to 10 days after tomorrow's treatment.  I do think I had a bout of anticipatory nausea this afternoon just thinking about tomorrow but it didn't stop me from finishing off left over Chinese food from last night.

It has truly been a busy week at work and am feeling like I can use a break, this is another reason why I am looking forward to my treatment tomorrow because I plan to try to remove myself completely from work--both physically and mentally and concentrate on letting my pre-medications take their course.  I feel like I'm prepared for what to expect but I won't know for sure until after tomorrow is all said and done.

Short and simple...

Still exhausted from sleep deprivation and not looking forward to how bad I'll feel after chemo on Friday!:(
Not even 9:30 and I'm ready to fall asleep.
Hope to feel rested tomorrow morning.

Will I ever catch up on my sleep?

I'm definitely not 26 anymore--and I'm feeling it.  There are a few of you who may be able to sympathize with me and feel my pain when I say that I no longer can function on just a few hours of sleep.  What happened to those days when you could pull an all-nighter and still be able to go, go, go the next day?  It has been too long since I've had to pull an all-nighter but I thought I had it in me to be able to at least function with just a couple of hours of sleep--I am wrong!!  My new year was off to a pretty good start until I was called in to operate at 11:00 PM on a Sunday night!  By the time I got home and ready for bed it was already 2:30 in the morning.  I think I was running on pure adrenaline most of Monday but I began to fade pretty quickly once it hit around 4 in the afternoon.  Feeling exhausted, I had tried to get to bed early last night; once again, the best laid plans of mice and men...I may have gotten a little over 6 hours of sleep but it was definitely not enough to make me feel refreshed or caught up on my sleep.  I guess I shouldn't complain because in a few more days, all I'll do is sleep--yes, my 4th cycle of chemo is coming up.  Yay me!

Auld lang syne

The new year has gotten well underway and I am proud to say that it has been a good start so far.  Call weekend hasn't been too bad, it could be worse.  Alabama won the Capital One Bowl game with a record point spread: 49 - 7.  The first evening of 2011 was spent with good friends and new acquaintances sipping on home made cotton candy martinis and sharing fun stories of the past.

I will try to put the past year to memory and hope that I will remember the lessons that I have learned, especially the ones I had to learn in a very short period of time since mid-September when I was diagnosed.  I do not have any New Year's resolutions nor do I plan to make any; I will focus on living my life one day at a time for now and as I've mentioned before, I will not have any expectations for 2011.  Although there are many things I want to do and accomplish this year, I will try my hardest to remain realistic about the goals I set.  I think I can be safe to say I will accomplish my goal of completing treatment.  I cannot guarantee how much more I will successfully accomplish this year but I would like to successfully re-certify sometime between now and the middle of next year.  I have registered for the Susan G Komen 60 miles in 3 days and hope to be able to complete this without any major complications along with the others in my group the Charm City Cha-Chas.  As for everything else that lingers in the back of my mind and tempts me to get excited and to make lavish plans; I do acknowledge all these things that I hope for and aspire to accomplish but again I will take one day at a time, hope for the best but expect the worst--this way, I will not be disappointed with what may happen this year.